Living under the iron fist of my tinkers

Wordless Wednesday: Just Chillin'

2012-02-22T19:34:00.000Z

Somebody got fed up of waiting to go out...

Pancakes!

2012-02-21T21:41:00.000Z

I didn't realise today was Shrove Tuesday until Imogen came out of pre-school telling me all about the pancakes we were apparently going to make later on, and how I was going to toss all the pancakes really high.

Two problems with this:

I rarely toss pancakes... because I usually end up with results similar to Yvette Fielding's amusing pancake disaster on Blue Peter.
I had just finished the last of the milk. Oops.

Luckily mum saved the day by bringing round an extra pint, and Mr. PE arrived home earlier than usual to create some fantastic pancakes, tossing all of them... and only making a disaster of the first one... which we palmed off on Elise...(harsh?!) she didn't mind.

Happy customers

The girls wolfed down millions of pancakes (slight exaggeration), and when all tummies were more or less full I decided it was safe to finally make my attempt.

I was a tiny big over eager... it flipped the all the way round, the whole 360 degrees... So then I had to do it all again (aaah!), but it didn't end too badly. I, the non-risk taker, might actually try it again one day soon. It was kind of fun... and it's not like flipping a pancake is the scariest risk to take. I'm hardly going to lose an arm in the process. Well, you'd hope not anyway... but then again my neighbour broke his finger putting on his shorts, so strange things happen sometimes.

Anyhoo...(that's Scottish for anyhow, just in case you didn't know. Fact.)

For Lent I've decided to give up alcohol... except for my mum's birthday and St. Patricks day... and timewasting. Mr. laughed at the second one... and I could sense his brain gleefully ticking over things to pick me up on for that, so I told him he can't start bullying me - I know when I'm timewasting, so I'll sort it myself thankyouvery much. Maybe.

Drained.

2012-02-18T21:07:00.002Z

Well Venice was amazing, even more beautiful than I had imagined. I'm in the middle of sorting out the eons of photos from our holiday there (I was a teeny tiny bit snap happy). Here's a couple for now

The traffic travelling home from the airport on Thursday was so horrendous that I missed the girls bedtime, which was really sad... but it made 6am on Friday morning all the more exciting for them! I snuggled on Imogen's bed for girlie cuddles (and to give Mr. a early morning break), and Elise just climbed on top of me, lay with her head on my chest and was still for ages, uttering the occasional "Mummeeee" along with a cuddle. Imogen, notorious for hug avoidance and not being touchy-feely in the slightest, has been practically glued to me for the past couple of days. She told me that she missed me more that mum's dog, which is always nice to know! She said she was very happy with Daddy this week but that I'm definitely not allowed to go away again. Hmm. I'll keep my July hen-do quiet for now then...

It was lovely coming back to my girls. I missed them, but not as much as I would have if I'd been to say... Spain... or a generic beach holiday. I wasn't looking around at anything thinking, "Ohh, the girls would really enjoy this!" because they would have hated every minute of it. Not a child-friendly holiday in the slightest. And I was so busy that I didn't have much time to stop and think, and when I did stop I just slept (and slept and slept...)

Yet I'm still exhausted. Completely drained. I'm so tired that when I stand on the spot I feel like I'm swaying on the deck of a boat. It definitely wasn't a restful holiday as there was so much to do and see, and now I've arrived slap-bang to two little mummy-shadows after a full day of travelling. It feels a bit like that never-ending early pregnancy, heavy tiredness (I'm not pregnant!). Curling up in a little cave and hibernating for a week is sounding very appealing... but I'm taking ~~the only~~ the next best option: an early night.

Last night was a late one for my friends birthday, silly when so tired but I hadn't seen any of them for a couple of months, and I hadn't been bowling in... I don't remember how long. It was very fun, shame that waking up this morning wasn't - good job I didn't drink too!

The shoes complement our outfits so well

Spot the designated driver here!

haha.

To me, today is just a normal day...

2012-02-14T08:01:00.013Z

...because I despise Valentine's day. Sorry to romantics out there. From where I see it, even if you're happy in a relationship, you can guarantee this day will be making someone you care about feel utterly miserable.

And I think it's so ridiculously commercialised... hearts everywhere, flower prices hoicked up, restaurants chocker, cards to give to your other half.. but also cards for little ones to give to their mummy, daddy, grandma, grandad, neighbour's cat... etc.etc.etc. Enough! You can lump mother's day and father's day cards etc in their too (then call me misery-guts). I do like Mother's day... but the only thing I want on mother's day is a lie in, breakfast in bed, and to spend the day with my family. Last year, Mr. was away skiing for a week (on a ~~school trip~~ jolly), and I was juggling an eight-month-old Elise and a distraught Imogen... who literally thought her daddy had gone forever. That was fun!

I've never wanted presents from Mr. PE for this day, I'm pretty sure I even forgot a card last year too. I've got no problem with other people having a wonderful time today, I just.don't.like.it. Can you tell?! Okay... end of my little rant now.

When booking Venice, I didn't really think about the fact that I'd be there for Valentine's day... but now I've felt a teeny bit guilty and gone and bought Mr. a card... but mainly just to let him know I'm thinking of him while I'm flouncing around a foreign city. I wonder how many couples we'll see on Gondolas today?

Source: tumblr.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

A city break in... Venice!

2012-02-13T07:05:00.084Z

It's finally safe to divulge the destination of the trip with my mum (the birthday girl), aunt and cousin. Mum thought we were bringing her to my aunt's holiday place in Spain, and she was pretty confused about why we would be going their in February when it's not exactly beach weather! She has never had the opportunity to travel much, but she's always wanted to go to Venice. So, five years ago I started planning this little idea, brought my cousin in on the action around two years ago, and about a year ago we booked it.

Source: flickr.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Phoebe on Pinterest

If all has gone to plan, we should have arrived at our hotel today via water bus (!!!)

Source: shutterstock.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

Doubt it will be as sunny as that though...

Some plans for the next few days...
Well, I'd like to do the typical things like St. Mark's square, the bridge of sighs, go to a few galleries, eat some fantastic italian food... aaah I'm getting giddy with excitement as I write this! (It's now Saturday, this is scheduled for when we get there on Monday, don't want to ruin her surprise at the last minute!)

I'm going to miss the girls like crazy. This will have been the longest I've ever left Imogen for (two nights is the most until now), and the first time I've left Elise for more than 18 hours. But they're at home in the capable hands of Daddy so I know I've got nothing to worry about really... It feels weird though, the thought of leaving them. Hopefully it will do me some good, I appreciate them more when I get a break.

I still have the gifts mum bought for me as a child from her few trips away minus kids, so I'll bring them some little presents back... in the meantime I'm sure they'll enjoy terrorising Daddy while I'm away.

"What are you doing, Daddy?"
"Having a little lie down. I'm resting."
"Oh... Then I must FLY ON YOU!"

Conversation: Toilet Time

2012-02-11T21:43:00.000Z

My presence was requested at toilet time. As I arrived...

Imogen: Do you need a poopoo, mummy? Is it getting it's clothes on?
Me: No...hang on..what?!
Imogen: My poopoo is getting it's clothes on ready to walk outside.

How do you answer that?! ...Erm... Lovely? How nice for your poopoo?
Adopting an interested, but not overly enthusiastic tone, I went for "Oh... Right!"

That seemed acceptable, and the conversation moved on. This girl seems obsessed with poo. She likes to experience al fresco poos in the pine woods (seriously... every time we go... It's more than just a coincidence now).

When she's older I'm sure she'll love me for sharing this.

A den in the pinewoods. We're really well camouflaged.

The Magic Number

2012-02-09T06:50:00.012Z

Welcome to the first Family Size Blog Carnival!
This post was written for inclusion in the Family Size Blog Carnival hosted by Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling and Patti at Jazzy Mama. Today our participants share their decisions on family size and whether or not to grow their families. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

I have two children: a nearly four-year-old and a nearly eighteen-month-old. Both girls. Both blonde haired (like their mother used to be), blue eyed (like their father). And both delightful (most of the time...). A question that has run though my mind quite a lot is: how many children will I be happy with?

A few months ago, when walking through my village, I watched a mother and young teen son have a moment. It was just a fleeting glance at each other, but there was definitely something there. A happiness in their eyes, a message through the air. Definitely something. I felt a pang in my gut when I thought: I don’t understand that kind of relationship... what if I never do? Would I be disappointed if we decided to have another child, and we had another girl... even if I could only admit that to myself? I'm pretty sure I'd be more than pleased if we had a third daughter... but maybe there'd always be that wondering.

Then I remind myself... I have two beautiful girls. I do recognise that I'm so blessed. I have never suffered any losses, and knowing how much of a hold on my heart my two girls have, I can only imagine the daily pain that the loss of a child must bring, and the lifetime of "what if's".

Since a close friend found out she's expecting her third child, the baby question has been more on my mind: we both happened to have had our first and our second children within weeks of each other, and we’d half-joked about having a third at the same time too. I've always imagined my future with three children, ever since I was a little girl... but then again I also wanted to be a vet and a ballerina and that clearly hasn't happened! The figure has undoubtedly come from my family growing up: I am one of three. I had a mostly fantastic, happy childhood shared with my brothers. I probably wanted to recreate that childhood, and my yearning to bring them up in the countryside definitely comes from that too. My little life plan involved having two boys and then a little girl... like my big brothers and myself, and that clearly hasn't happened either! But I couldn’t be happier with what I’ve been dealt.

So, until very recently, that was still the number I imagined having one day, which is clearly evident in the mountains of baby clothes I had carefully stored away in vacuum packs, patiently waiting for their time to come again. But I had reservations:

My body: No, not external issues. I don’t really mind if my stomach doesn’t snap back again, or I get stretch marks. It’s internal issues. I have had two Caesarean’s, and during the second, the surgeon warned me about another as my scar tissue was creating specific problems with my uterus fusing to my bladder. And that was after just one, so I can imagine it’s worse now. I wouldn’t want to risk serious health problems.

My own personal reasons: I'd love to be one of those mothers that can happily have lots of children, but even if my body could cope with that unscathed, I don't think my mind could. I'm tired enough as it is, I used to be a 10 hours a night person. I could see myself putting too much on the other half... and not having time for all my little projects that keep my brain ticking, as well as giving them enough of my time, my energy, my full attention. The house would be a total mess all the time until they're much older, which I know is no biggie, but I’m no ‘clean freak’ and the state of the house still gets me down. Some people seem to be able to get loads done with numerous little ones around and, although I'd like to be, I know I'm not one of them. I find it hard juggling just the two of them, but I enjoy it... and I want to be able to continue to enjoy them as I do now.

...the only thing is, I feel like I could do it well now, the whole baby thing. I've practiced on my first two (sorry guys!) and I think I'd know my stuff. Ah well, if my time definitely doesn't come again, I can always turn into a meddling, know-it-all relative!

You may have noticed so far that I’ve only written my thoughts, and we all know it takes two to tango... Well... my other half does.not.want.more.children. He is more than happy with our two.

If I definitely knew I needed to have another baby... that the broody urge would not go away... that I’d have to avoid tiny babies for fear of obsessing over the thought... then this would be devastating. But you know what? I’ve found it freeing. A relief, in a way. He knows his mind. I didn’t know mine. Now, with my reaction to what he said, the answer is obvious. I can let go of the what if’s, and the dreaming of what could be, and live for now, for my girls, and for our future together as a family of four.

***

Visit City Kids Homeschooling and Jazzy Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Family Size Blog Carnival!

Please take some time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants below:

The Perfect Family The family at Living Peacefully With Children isn't perfect, but the size is just right for them...at least for now.
Family Size Carnival Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses how she loves the extremes of being happily child-free for life to being a mom of several. And on knowing when her family is just the right size.
Is Adoption for Me? Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares why she would consider adoption as the socially responsible way to have a large family.
Getting Used to Having Kids Lauren at Hobo Mama went from "probably one, maybe two" to wanting a handful, but not without some major struggles and soul searching along the way.
Magic Number For a while, Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales has wondered what the magic number will be for their family, but now thinks she's finally settled on an answer.
How Did You Get That Size Jorje explains how she "chose" her family size and why they aren't planning to grow again on Momma Jorje.com.
Family Size On A Per Kid Basis Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how plans change as families grow.
More Babies: How, When, Why Joella at Fine and Fair writes to her daughter about when, how, and why she might get a sibling.
Family Size Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she has no idea what size her family will end up being; though she used to be sure, a few factors have recently come up to change everything.
Thy Will Be Done CatholicMommy hasn't decided how many children she'll have. And she never will. Because, you know, she's Catholic.
Sanity and Health Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about sanity and health considerations when deciding on her family's size.
Love Comes In All Sizes Melissa at White Noise and Mothers of Change shares her family's journey to becoming a family of six!
Family Size Liz at Homeschooling in Buffalo discusses how this carnival occurs less than two weeks after "closing up shop" by way of vasectomy.
Family Size Blog Carnival Billy, a single mother by choice, writes about the size of her family at My Pathway to Motherhood.
Creating Your Perfect Family Size Dr. Alan Singer shares insights from his new book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size.
Our Family Size You might not be surprised to learn that Patti at Jazzy Mama can't find any reasons NOT to have more babies.
Economics of Family Size Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling uses an economic cost-benefit analysis to determine her family's optimal size.

Not-very-Wordless Wednesday: A Healthy Snack?

2012-02-08T17:39:00.000Z

I thought I would go wild and mix it up a bit by giving the girls some sesame seeds and sunflower seeds for a snack...
Imogen greeted this with: "Why have we got squirrel food? Are we SQUIRRELS?" Complete with squirrelly gnawing motions and general squirrelling around (I love the word squirrel, does it show?).

She then decided they were delicious, so I thought it was safe to get something from the kitchen... only to return to find the seeds dispersed all over the rug... and the creation of a special seed mound which their toy trains appeared to be enjoying driving through. At least the odd train-crushed morsel was being eaten by Elise (clearly that's the ideal preparation method... I should have known). She had also discovered that bowls are, of course, obviously put to better use as a knee-drum. They come up with all the best ideas.

Post clean-up, some of the seed mound remaining:

Tying the knot, Frugal Style

2012-02-04T23:22:00.001Z

We're getting married in August, which will be just over two years after Mr. PE's amazing proposal (he did good).

I've read that the average cost of a UK wedding is £20,000 (around $31,000 USD). Now, that's great if that's what you want to spend, and/or you have the money for it, but I don't like the fact that many people feel pressured into having the all-singing-all-dancing wedding ideal that seems to be thrown at us. I'd feel sick spending that amount of money on one day. Firstly because I don't even own a house, so I'd rather put money like that towards a secure future, and secondly... I just want to have everyone that matters to us there, partying with us, and there's no way on earth we could afford that without keeping things simple. Also, I don't want to be fretting over tiny details, I just want to enjoy myself, let my hair down, and have a good time.

Source: helloandrea.blogspot.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

Today we went to book the catering. I brought along my pink polka dot pad and matching pen that mum bought for me to keep all my weddingy things in one place. Clearly I had intended to write everything down myself but, as I seem to turn into a socially inept creature when I actually have to ask questions that matter, Mr. ended up taking over and looked extremely manly with it instead. His writing's much better than mine anyway. When we left, I felt absolutely ravenous after talking about food for such a long time. I love food (and it clearly shows..?!). My wonderful university friends all bonded over our love of food.

I've started collecting a few ideas over on my wedding pinboard on Pinterest. We've booked the church and the hall, I've sorted the grown-up bridemaid's dresses, the little ones will have to be done nearer the time as they'll grow. I got my dress on the trip with my mum (I love it!), and I'm slowly planning away with the rest.

Let it snow

2012-02-04T00:08:00.001Z

I'm hoping it's going to snow tomorrow. Imogen's desperate for snow... so desperate that she cries every time she realises that it hasn't snowed yet. Drama queen!

Last winter we got loads, the most since I was around seven when we dug snow tunnels in the fields. Then the next day my mum brought our dog to the vets to be ~~put down~~ "neutered", which mysteriously went wrong and he never came home... she later admitted the truth to us... I know that sounds ever so slightly wrong, because it's not like he'd tried to savage numerous friend's children... or knocked over and pinned down my cousin who was swiftly rescued by my brother... He was a good guard dog, just a bit too good, and overzealous. He also killed our pet guinea pig, Joey (he's buried under the now-fallen tree in this photo). And a few wild cats (and their cute little kittens) in the barns. And I still have the scars from the walk which ended badly when he dragged me up the farm track after a hare.

It did show me how much my skin has moved as I've grown, the scars are now around 2 inches above my hip. Innnnnnteresting.

Well that was a mad tangent!

Last winter

~~sand~~ snow dunes

My baby growing up. The end of an era.

2012-02-02T23:31:00.001Z

I've finishing nursing Elise. She's 17 months old. This decision is partly because I'm going away for three nights for my mum's birthday. It's a big birthday. I've been saving for this surprise trip little by little for the past five years - way before I knew I'd be a mum when this birthday came round, so it would crush me to not go. But also... I feel like I'm done. I'm too thin for my liking, and I'm exhausted. I feel as if everything I eat goes towards her, which is great... but I need to look after myself too. My body needs a break. Elise eats a varied, healthy diet, she's a happy little thing. That didn't stop me having a total sobbing episode the other night, managing to convince myself I've made her miserable despite the fact that she's been as cheery as ever... apart from the afternoon she missed her nap when she was bound to be grumpy for obvious reasons! I woke up with sore eyes from all the crying. My hormones must be everywhere. Plus I think I'm mourning the loss of feeding when Elise may well be my last.

Until the past few nights, if I got her when she woke up in the night she wrestled with me, trying to nurse. She would then nurse or cry trying to nurse for the entire night, I'd be left exhausted and aching. When Mr. PE got up with her she would fall straight back asleep on him. Not a moan. Not even a whimper. She would smell me and go into a frenzy. She's calmed down now. She snuggles in without trying to maul me. It's lovely.

I am sad about this, about stopping feeding her... but I'm also happy. I need to do it for me. I'm not selfish much, but I desperately need rest, and Elise is actually sleeping better for it too. Continuing feeding isn't for me. I find absolutely nothing strange about mum's that can nurse their babies and toddlers for longer, it's completely natural, it's what is supposed to happen, I applaud that (and kind of wish I was of that mindset too), but every mum has a different story and situation. I hadn't set myself a 'breastfeeding goal', but I'm proud of how long I've breastfed Elise for, it's a fair bit longer than I nursed Imogen. Now, I need to look after myself and my body, work on putting on weight...

...because my giggly girlie is completely content.

Conversation: A trip to the hairdressers soon...

2012-01-29T21:32:00.001Z

...or embrace the fact that I'm definitely no longer blonde?

Imogen: Mummy, your hair is black!
Me: Really?!
Imogen: Well... no. It's getting darker... {adopts patronising voice and strokes my face, then cups it in her hands} but it's okay- you're still wonderful!

I think I've been in hair-dye denial for too long - "I'm just touching up the blonde that's already there". I haven't had it done for a fair few months... possibly since June last year.

***

Every time we go out for a walk at the moment, Elise decides that it's much more fun to do this:

If you dare to try and help her up, she ushers you away as if to say "Leave me here. I am happy. I am at peace with the ground." ...or something like that..(?!) She's encouraging Imogen to join her quest.

Top centre: Imogen clearly felt left out of this lying down business

Perhaps it's a protest against the Mr. Blobby-esque snowsuit she is forced to wear?! It's amusing either way. Unless I'm in a hurry... then it's hilarious. Hmm...

"I don't like change"

2012-01-22T22:39:00.000Z

I'm pretty twitchy at the moment (really quite unusual for me), and if I can't change my house I can change my house around. My brother was round for lunch on Tuesday so I decided to make use of his manly lifting skills, seeing as Mr. PE seems allergic to helping me move things around since he started his new fitness regime... (why he can't skip a workout at the gym in place of lifting real things is beyond me!). Moving the bookcase was a piece of cake, but took a while because a certain little girl is a teensy tiny bit wary about change (not like her mother at all... ahem...). Basically Imogen had total screaming, crying meltdown about us moving it, shortly followed by a swift turnaround of "I always, always wanted it there!" once it had arrived in it's new position (only after I designated the bottom two shelves as their shelves, mind, and she began excitedly piling (all) her toys on...) it seems happy in it's new place.

Note wondrous birthday cards. (Wonder who's birthday it was?!)

Yes, I did just manage to write an entire paragraph about moving a bookcase. Exciting times round here!

On the topic of houses I keep seeing all these fabulous ideas on Pinterest:

Source: thesemomentsofmine.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

Source: johanna-vintage.blogspot.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

Source: hiddenpassages.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

Source: shine.yahoo.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

Source: blog.designpublic.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

Okay the last one, although completely awesome, is clearly never going to happen... I'll keep my hopes pinned on the magical wardrobe! But... I don't really feel like I can try the reachable ones out as it's not our house. For some reason, I'm not overly keen on the idea of forking out money on improving things, while adding value to someone else's house. We have done some decorating, but you know when you really want to put your stamp on something? Ah well.

And then I was watching David Attenborough on TV last night, he was mentioning climate change and sea level rises. Now, mental-Phoebe-brain is once again saying that although this town is very lovely, we really need to ~~run~~ move to the hills. Sane-Phoebe-brain is suggesting that the town will not be engulfed by the sea in such a short time, but the niggling is there. I do hope my town doesn't get swallowed up, I love living here... Mum went to the beach last weekend (I've neglected the beach recently. Sorry, beach. I'll come crawling back to you soon) and she said that after the storms we've had, there is now a stretch were there are no sand dunes left. The dunes were monsters when I was little! So things are definitely changing. Which reminds me, our Christmas tree is still waiting to make it's journey to become part of the sea defences (see earlier reference to Mr.PE's allergy to helping lift things).

We haven't had a very productive weekend, but we've had lots of family time and have been on lovely walks with the girls. Elise can now run. Unfortunately she's putting her new running skills to use by legging it in the opposite direction... I'm in for some more fun!

Wordless Wednesday: Muddy Bottom

2012-01-18T22:59:00.000Z

Birthday bliss and Internet wanderings

2012-01-16T21:34:00.002Z

As it was my birthday this weekend I got a bit of time to myself. After a brief early morning spell opening my presents surround by my lovely little family, and a quick look out of the window which left me very pleased to finally see some frost (my cousin works gritting the roads with salt and this warm winter hasn't been his friend in the slightest), I then spent the rest of Saturday morning luxuriating in bed, napping, waking to have a little play on the laptop, then napping again. It was total bliss. I woke to the smell of Mr. PE preparing the delicious lasagne for later on. I think I've picked a good'un.

Cuddly present time

Family walk, paparazzi style

Final photo before mum went... to buy my present. I love her planning!

Mum baked my cake with Imogen's help. I look forward to her cakes all year, they're delicious. Unfortunately, this year something seems to have gone drastically wrong: it tastes absolutely disgusting - I can't bring myself to eat it... Well, I had to force-feed it to myself on my birthday with Imogen's beady eyes watching after devouring her piece in record time, "You love the cake I baked with Ma-Ma, don't you, mummy?" I could hardly crush the spirit of my budding baker and say "No. It's crap. It tastes suspiciously like disinfectant! I can't possibly eat another ounce." could I? Not that I've ever really tasted disinfectant... but I have a weird sense of smell so that when I smell things I also taste them. (Not the best "skill" to have when changing nappies!) I also can't bring myself to break this news of cake disappointment to my mum, sorry mum! (I don't think she reads this, she's not very techy to say the least... but if you do - hello! I love you! Sorry for being a chicken! PS- fancy babysitting Saturday? -just kidding... the whole weekend will do.) But anyway, the cake still looks mad and wacky which is part of what I look forward to.

It's a bit too difficult for me to blow out 5 candles on my own (one for every 5 years)

Amazing. Note empty wine. Hic!

Internet wanderings

During my birthday morning wanderings around the internet...

I came across this video calling out Beyoncé for pushing the belief that girls run the world, believing that will halt progress towards equality.

I got the idea for the photo I took on my dad's birthday from Dear Photograph, so revisited the site to have a proper look through. I could easily spend hours on there, reading the little stories behind each picture.

I found the blog of this wonderful woman, Ashley. She is incredibly talented, I can't believe I've only just found her website full of such amazing creative resources. She is a wife, daughter, and mother to her beautiful little girl, and she is fighting cancer in the most admirable, infectiously positive way. This recent post is a touching depiction of her losing her hair. I may or may not have been sobbing throughout the video. Choose joy!

I'm left feeling very blessed: I have my health, I have a wonderful, happy little family. Although things can get pretty tight, we are just about managing alright money-wise with me staying at home. Even if I have the occasional man-moan, complaining about smelly socks left on the dining table, or the 'floor-drobe' of clothes that accumulate at his side of the bed... these things are petty. I have a man that not only is an amazing present buyer (and knows exactly how to throw nosy me off the scent), much more importantly he respects me, gives my opinions credence and asks me for advice, but knows just when to hold me close and be my big protector. He also doesn't lie, after I let him know exactly what I thought of that following one silly, selfish mistake that he made with that when Elise was 2 weeks old. I know I can trust him and rely on him. We have a good thing going here.

I am a very lucky lady.

Happy Birthday to me!

2012-01-14T05:00:00.001Z

16
(Yes, that's right. My t-shirt says "Don't piss me off: I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!"
Somehow, I don't think that would be very school-run friendly nowadays...)

17 "Behold the cards!"

18, at my party

19 - Cowboy birthday night out

20. Fancy dress night out
(At the end of this night I was a dead Indian being carried home by a cowboy Mr. PE)

21. Seven months pregnant, and the only sober one.

22. Haven't worn that "beautiful" dress since

23 and small pregnant

If my requests are granted, today I will be having an enormous lie in, and a home-cooked lasagne for dinner, followed by a crazily decorated, home-baked cake from my mum.

Happy Birthday, Dad

2012-01-13T15:07:00.002Z

Today, we've been to visit my Dad's grave and walked around the grounds of my childhood home, the farmhouse, which has remained empty since we left.

The original, around Summer 1996.
Dad standing next to his brother, second from right

It still seems surreal that he's gone.

More hours, please!

2012-01-11T23:33:00.000Z

Sometimes I look at other mums and see how ironed their clothes are or how well they've done their hair and how tidy their house is and think - how on earth do they do it? I don't know how I could keep all that up. Now, I'm getting quite used to the fact that my house is usually ~~slightly~~ extremely messy, and I'm okay with that for now, but sometimes it would be nice to be one of those neat, orderly, organised people. Operation House Tidy worked to a point, our bedroom is much better. The problem is I never got any further than that room...

So, to get down to the issue, I could recount my day as a timeline to show why can't quite figure out where to squeeze more time from, but I actually just wrote it all down and realised it's mind-numbing, and to be honest, I already know the answer (although I often kid myself that I don't). So a quick, slightly less boring (note I didn't say none-boring. It is pretty mundane. You have been forewarned) summary of things achieved on around three hours sleep (just to big myself up!) that we were blessed with last night (little Elise wasn't too happy. I thought it was her teeth at first, but it was a musical bottom instead- wind of a different kind this time! She must sense a birthday coming up) Ooo, nice disjointed sentence there:

About to set off on our last trip of the day

Travelling: drove to school. dropped broken car at garage. cycled with bike trailer to: babygroup, supermarket, mum's friends house, then back home.
Housework/cooking: sorted out breakfast, cleaned horrific kitchen, emptied dishwasher, organised cloth nappy drawer, brought in laundry from outhouse, prepared dinner, cooked pancakes for lunch, prepared snacks, tidied clothes/toys/messy table, cooked dinner
Imogen and Elise: general washing, hair brushing, getting dressed, nappy changing... including a horrific nappy explosion (I really need to stop using the finger-in-the-nappy test... it rarely ends well), got Imogen changed out of her school uniform (she runs away to dance around between each item of clothing...), general playing, jigsaw making, argument refereeing, talking, dressing up... dinner, bathtime, storytime, cuddles, sleep.

So, on to the answer that I've already figured out, but often like to pretend I haven't...

Two areas of none-working time identified:
7:30am Despite having been awake for over an hour, I finally got up then to get a shower after trying (and failing) to fool myself that it wasn't really morning yet (I'm not the biggest fan of mornings), gave the girls breakfast, got them dressed, got me dressed... all in a rush before 8:30am.

7:30pm ate our dinner (usually we eat as a family, but the girls were too hungry/tired today), then vegged out on sofa playing on the laptop until bed...

I mean come on, I'm seriously slacking here! I'm meant to be a work-horse, right? How dare I try and only have a 12 hour day! I suppose I could do house work all evening, but then I would get no time to sit down and just...be. I need that.

I don't sit on my rear end every night, but I do need my little brain refresher, reading articles that keep my adult mind working, and of course sending myself a bit more mad researching all my eco stuff, playing around with my sewing machine, phoning friends without children interrupting every few seconds (even if they've been in their own little world, as soon as I'm on the phone I'm suddenly a highly prized object), or just snuggle up on the sofa with my man. So, until they either invent more hours in the day, or I can face doing housework all evening, every evening, I expect my house will mostly be a mess. But I'm okay with that, because I'd rather it that way than my brain be a mess (hey - what do you mean it already is?!).

This weekend...

2012-01-08T23:48:00.001Z

Little Miss Cup-nose herself

...was declared Mr. PE's birthday weekend (you've got to prolong the birthday!). In between dealing with cup-nose and associate, going out midweek didn't happen. He decided we were long overdue to go to the cinema together (it's probably been around... nine months?), so on Saturday night we agreed on Sherlock Holmes as we'd watched the first one at home earlier in the week. As we were completely on time and not late at all (lies), which hadn't made Mr. Early get twitchy in the slightest... we got to the front of the queue just as it sold out. Probably just as well really (I'll keep telling myself that), I wouldn't fancy being stuck in those rubbish seats at the front - I'd be ever-so-slightly annoyed at paying the ridiculous SIXTEEN POUNDS between us to sit with our necks craned, with a crappy view.

So, we decided on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo instead, which was an amazing film, but very graphic in parts (I was wincing during those scenes). Whenever I watch a really good film I seem to spend the rest of the next day in the head of the lead character (because I'm completely normal) so I found myself marching with purpose today, in a strange, staring mood... and also scanning items in the shops a la Sherlock Holmes' character assessments (might have been watching a bit of the BBC Sherlock series too). I was the Sherlock with the Dragon Tattoo, if you will. Shopping in Liverpool. Yes.

Right. So as in my above conclusions I'm some kind of detective, mastermind, semi-disturbed, computer hacker, I'm going to put my newly acquired skills to good use by... being organised and getting off my lazy skinny behind and...

1.abandon everything to play with the girls more
2.keep the house tidy
3.negotiate the under-the-stairs cupboard
4.make good food (and eat lots of it)
5.get on that bike again with the girls
6.actually make something with that poor, lonely sewing machine instead of zombifying infront of the TV and laptop every night
7.get.more.sleep.
8.remind yourself that being a human birthday database isn't good enough, you need to actually know what date it is now and work from there.
9.wish my Granny a happy new year (gulp)
10.think up a much better to-do list

Because these are the exact aspirations that my chosen two characters of the week would live with, obviously.

I must need a holiday.

At least I can sort of recognise when I'm going mad~~der~~!

Sewage Dump: Once again, money rules.

2012-01-08T22:44:00.000Z

This has been playing on my mind since my brother came to stay the other month (so quite a while then. I've said before that I worry about anything and everything - hence the grinding teeth...). He told me about a recent sewage leak near his work, and after thinking about it since, I'm still completely horrified it happened. My brothers job involved different aspects of pollution control, so you could say he's a bit of an insider (cue spy music). He told me about an incident at the start of October.

London Heathrow airport's sewage system expels around 500,000 litres per day through one sewage pipe. That's not solely human waste, as it does include rainwater run-off from runways... which also contains the antifreeze that is used on the planes. Engineers that were testing a new upgrade shut the sluice gate on this single pipe, which then jammed when they tried to reopen it. This caused the waste to start backing up along the pipe, and it got to the point where those responsible had to make a choice of whether to close the airport until the gate could be fixed (as the waste would end up backing up the toilets and all other lovely things like that). Did they do that?

Clearly not. Instead of close the airport for the seven hours it took for the engineers to get everything working again, the "unpalatable" choice was made to dump raw sewage into the river Crane at Cranford (a tributary to the river Thames). The result of this decision? Not only did all the paths around the river have to be closed as it was so toxic, but thousands of fish and insects have been killed, and it will take at least an estimated seven years for the river to clean up.

Quite frankly, I'm disgusted. Completely disgusted that a minor inconvenience to airport travelers completely outweighs the health of the river. Closing the airport would cost money, and the importance of money always seems to come high above any consideration for the environment. My brother had said it was a beautiful stretch of river, they had been carrying out conservation work for the past twenty years. And now?

Image source: Environment Agency on Flickr

Horrendous.

A few related links:
Environment agency. Interesting that they don't actual mention who caused the spill.
Friends of the river Crane
According to Thames Water, they were "forced" to let sewage spill into the river rather than back up into the airport. Really? How about close. the. airport.

Christmas time all together

2012-01-05T19:06:00.001Z

Following on from this post...

At the beginning of this year (well, I suppose it's last year now) my cousins and I decided that it was about time we all spent Christmas together again, as the last time all of my mum's side of the family spent it together had to be at least 15 years ago, probably even more than that. After weeks of searching, we found a house to rent that was not only within budget, but big enough to comfortably fit all 22 of us. Bingo. We all agreed to stick with gifts for immediate family and not exchange presents with everybody, as being together was more than enough for us, and we considered renting the house to spend a week together to be a gift in itself (I know... blurgh. But I do love family time).

Fast forward a fair few months and we were all on our way from various parts of the country, giddy with excitement (well I was anyway...) What greeted us was the coldest house I'd been in since the winters on the farm, waking up seeing your breath. Then Elise decided to refuse to wear jumpers (seriously. She screamed, pulling at it until it was off) and I was still on antibiotics, recovering from a nasty ear infection (I love a good moan). But, after one arctic night, the heating kicked in, my ear got better, everyone else arrived and the house was bustling, full of children's giggles and adults' laughter.

The five children really enjoyed roaming around the house. Okay, who am I kidding? I enjoyed it too! There was so much space. There were secret stairs leading to a bedroom with a door made for hobbit people. There was an eerily locked attic, which prompted a secret attic invasion (once the kids were in bed) after we'd all been joking about creepy things living up there- then realising we'd freaked each other out too much so had to look. Don't know where we would have gone for Christmas if there had been something weird/sinister up there!

There are various moments from the week that have stuck in my memory: dancing to Fleetwood Mac with our invisible friend, Derek (yes, really). Creating a whole dance floor room. My uncle and I with the ongoing squashing of each-other's crisp packets when least expected. Mr. PE opening the cupboard to the servants stairs to find Imogen in a fallen heap at the bottom (happy and unhurt), one of the male dogs marking his territory on the fire extinguisher (after he was pissed ON by the other male dog - "you MINE dawg!"), Elise then pulling her new meowmeow through the dog's wee... (straight in the washing machine! The toy not the dog...). Playing 'Who's in the bag?' in my disadvantaged team of three... one was asleep, and one had no glasses, needless to say we lost. Trivial Pursuit interspersed with cuddles from my pyjama-clad tinkers. Building Duplo towers taller than Imogen. Walks in Sherwood forest. Feeling tragic when my first cousin left (reminiscent of childhood partings). Boxing day self-induced tiredness (three hours sleep and a pulled muscle in my back from throwing some serious shapes on our "dance floor"). And the girls having a total ball with their cousins.

Next time we decide to rent somewhere, we might check google earth first. The four power plants dotted around provided beautiful scenery, along with the massive caravan park in what had been the house's back garden, and the local and only shop within miles and miles was a lone "adult store" on the main road surrounded by fields (very bizarre, but amusing all the same). But the house itself was just what we needed: loads of space, nothing too scarily perfect so we weren't worried about doing anything, but not particularly shabby either. A nice middle ground.

The day before we left, my cousin, husband, and the other three children (Imogen and Elise's second cousins) packed up and left, as planned, for her in-laws. We returned from our day out and a bereft Imogen burst into her cousin's room, still in disbelief that they'd gone, and started to wail. She said, through her sobs: "But it's okay mummy, we will see them soon, won't we?" It reminded me of my partings from my cousins when I was younger, we spent almost every school holiday with eachother. B and I would stop talking to each other on the last day (it was far to painful...), then sob as the other was leaving.

I had a wonderful Christmas, it was amazing spending a whole week with the family that I'm always craving to spend more time with, but the distance, and all this grown-up work malarkey usually gets in the way.

We're all real tree people, so we replaced the little rickety tree with a new one with more decorations, all for £5!

Part of our bedroom, Elise enjoyed saying "oof-oof" at the oddly placed dog picture

Imogen with her cousin outside Lincoln Castle

A rainy walk at Clumber Park

This is the Major Oak at Robin Hood's stomping ground, Sherwood Forest.
This tree was huge, the rest of the forest was a massive disappointment.

Father Christmas had been!

Christmas morning carnage

Elise mistook Imogen's new roller skate for a car, and "borrowed" it

The new meowmeow

Imogen doesn't do family photos

The three girl cousins

Most of us round the tables

Duplo tower

Partied out

Man has birthday

2012-01-04T22:12:00.001Z

Firstly, Happy New Year! It was supposed to be a quiet one, but it ended up, well... basically new year's day was a total write off. A pyjama day was declared, snuggling in this cosy mess:

We had spent the evening at home with these guys (the bunch of bad influences! Wait what? I was the one pouring the vodka?!):

The last time we went out for New Years eve was four (FOUR??!!) years ago, with an Imogen bump:

Somehow I only ended up getting to bed about five minutes before Elise woke up for the day (Luckily it wasn't my turn to get up this new year!) So I'm just about feeling spritely again...ish. Majorly regretted the horrific amount of alcohol that I thought it was a good idea to consume. I completely understand January detoxes now...

It was Mr. PE's birthday yesterday, and the girls' present to their daddy has been two sleepless nights either side. (I blame you, wind! First you try and steal my babies, and now you keep them awake! Have you quite finished?!) As he wasn't back in work until today we could just have cosy day at home, and can look forward to celebrating properly on the weekend at... the QUASAR! (Possibly. Or maybe just cinema... don't know if we're 'with it' enough to quasar it up with all the kool kids anymore.)

The girls giving him a helping hand with his presents

I had a bit of a disaster with the birthday cake (massive understatement: it's only one layer, there's no icing, it looks.... a mess. At least it tasted good!), so this was today, singing happy birthday mark II, as the girls missed the first one last night.

And now his cards get exactly eleven days on the mantle piece before they're demoted to make space for mine!

Home from the Christmas house

2011-12-28T22:44:00.000Z

We've been away for a week in a big, rambling house with loads of my mum's side of the family - 22 of us in all. It was great. I want to write about it so I can remember all the funny little things (and to remind me to look at the property on Google Earth next time we book somewhere, to make sure the "countryside views" don't include massive power stations and sizeable static caravan parks!), but right now too I'm tired from the many late nights, and have a sore back from falling down the stairs with Elise this evening. Luckily she ended up completely fine after my blind panic of "I've broken her leg! I must have! What have I done??!!" and Mr. PE's calm focus, checking her over (first-aid trained dontcha know), assuring the panicked mess (clearly me) that nothing was broken, and that she'd be very happy with mummy snuggles (she was).

Our stairs are pretty lethal. They're steep, with really narrow steps. I'm usually so careful, but guess I'm getting used to them again after being away in a house with sensible stairs.

Nasty stairs at home

Sensible stairs at the Christmas house

Our manic tree

2011-12-24T21:17:00.003Z

Every year we buy a real christmas tree. I don't know whether this is eco-friendly or not, but to be quite frank I drive myself mad researching most things (and doing Mr. PE's head in with my latest "did you know..?") that I have decided to give myself a break over this. Anyway, once christmas is over we bring the tree to the beach where they are planted just in front of the sand dunes to help slow the coastal erosion. So it's nice to know we're doing our bit to try and keep us above water for longer! (Hmm... maybe we shouldn't buy a house here..?!)

We buy a Scotch pine tree, they smell wonderful, drop less needles (although that may be ~~lies~~ a half truth spread by mum) and are around half the price of the other sort (Nordic something-or-other). Winning all round! I was adamant that we chose one of those as I've never had another type of tree, well that and the fact that I might get a tad twitchy about change... Mr. PE didn't care what type we went for, so here's our bushy little tree (I say little because last year we had a monster):

Since last Sunday, various items have been regularly found strewn across the floor; beading to make a "bridge" (which Elise destroyed almost immediately, much to Imogen's displeasure), angels squashed under little bottoms (which weren't ours in the first place, they were pilfered by Imogen from the tree at my mum's house), and various baubles which moo (according to Elise).

Imogen's very own tinsel corner

I'm quite happy with our manic tree.

Not feeling my best

2011-12-21T12:32:00.001Z

For me, the physically hardest thing about parenting small children is having the carry on as usual when you're ill. I find it really tough going, especially when the only thing I desperately need to help me get better is sleep. And, as Elise was having a wakey patch and only mummy will do at night time, I wasn't getting a lot of it (read: around three hours per night). It also always makes me decide that two children is quite enough thank you (I'm forever to-ing and fro-ing with the "are we done?" question).

When I'm feeling rubbish I get irrationally cross at the fact that I don't have access to a car to jump in and whizz Imogen to pre-school in a couple of minutes, instead I have to walk 20-30 minutes each way (no chance I was digging the bike out when my head was all over the place). That's the only time I really mind. But it was a blessing in disguise: I had to go out, so Elise got much needed outdoors time when I might have been tempted to just coop her up to join in my festering on the sofa. One morning I was feeling so horrific that I just wanted to throw in the towel and turn back. I know I shouldn't have, but I stopped and asked Imogen if she really did want to go to school that morning, her enthusiastic head nodding and "Yes mummy! I really, really do! I want to play with my friends at school!" was more than enough to spur me on for the rest of the journey (and tell myself off for asking the question in the first place.)

Right now I'm recovering from an ear infection. Blurgh.

Good job they're cutie pies

The online community changed the way I parent

2011-12-17T21:50:00.003Z

When Imogen was a baby I followed the herd, I didn't really know there was another way. So, when she was newborn, she slept in her moses basket next to our bed at night. As it was so dangerous to sleep with your baby, I would nurse her sat up in bed, staring bleary-eyed at the TV trying to stay awake (I was so up-to-date with BBC News 24 that I knew what they were going to say before they said it). At ten weeks old she had outgrown the moses basket, so we moved her into the cot at the other side of the room, until the grand old age of eight months when it was time for her to sleep in a separate bedroom, because that's what you did.

At six months old I started giving her formula without even thinking about it, and weaned her with the hideously expensive baby rice, because everyone else did (here's 9 good reasons not to use baby rice). For months on end Imogen would wake up at 5am each morning, and she would battle every.single.nap. Episodes of teething would result in screaming for three nights solid, and nothing would console her. Often I would bring her outside to try and distract her. We saw many a dawn out in that garden.

Some days we would resort to leaving Imogen to cry it out (CIO). If everyone else I knew did it, surely it was the right thing to do? It didn't feel great when I left her, but my mind was in vulnerable place: my dad had died suddenly, then I had to return to university with work coming out of my ears and no time to do it, and hating every minute of leaving Imogen at daycare each day. I wouldn't leave her actually screaming after the first distressing attempt, just let her moan herself to sleep. Sometimes she'd wake in the night, and as apparently "she should have been sleeping through by then", we'd ignore her for a while - surely there was nothing she needed? (I'm so sorry, Imogen). I had this weird mentality that she couldn't "win". Thinking about it now, the modern thought that children are born manipulative is so strange, but it was everywhere around me. I just thought this was just what you did. I was constantly exhausted. Utterly drained. I was miserable, and although I couldn't see it through my own fog, so was my poor baby.

I wish I'd listened to my instincts and researched more when Imogen was tiny. I hope that the way we parented in those early months hasn't drastically affected the person she will become. I do know she's much more nervy, sensitive, 'clingy' than Elise seems to be. It feels terrible that I may have added to that (or even caused it). In a way, I feel that Imogen was some sort of unintentional experiment, but then I suppose that may be the same for many first children; they're the ones being practiced on.

Changing the way we parented began with finding a particular group in the online forums I had been hooked to since joining my birth club in 2007. I read a few posts by Analytical Armadillo which opened my eyes, and I soon came across the PhD in Parenting article Cry it out (CIO): ten reasons why it's not for us:

Babies cry. They cry to let us know that they need something. And when we don’t respond to those cries, it causes them undue amounts of stress.

This seems so simple, so obvious. But I was blinded by what I thought I knew we had to do: to always be in control of the situation, and that we shouldn't be "spoiling" the baby by "giving in to their every whim."

Science has shown that stress in infancy can result in enduring negative impacts on the brain. Prolonged cries in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions.

This shocked me. I had started reading and agreeing that CIO wasn't a good thing to be putting my baby through, but I didn't realise it could cause real harm. Immediately I regretted the parenting decisions we had made, and with further reading, I was determined to make things better and to turn things around. I only wish this had all been written for me to come across before having Imogen, but I'm glad to have found the natural parenting community now, albeit later than ideal. It has just made everything click, everything makes much more sense. And you know what? It's so much easier. I am more relaxed, happier, and my girls (mostly) seem really content.

With Elise, safe co-sleeping in the early months made a massive difference to our sleep. Even though she woke an awful lot more than Imogen had, I wasn't half as exhausted as I had been with the standing, rocking, putting her back in the cot only for her to wake up ten minutes later because all she wanted was to be cuddled next to me. It's also nice to learn I'm not "weird" for continuing breastfeeding my sixteen-month-old: the World Health Organisation's recommended duration of breastfeeding is up to two years or more. As I've continued nursing her, I don't have to stay up all night with her teething, she can be soothed back to sleep which means no overtired toddler and zombie mummy. I can feed her to sleep for her naps and at night time. It usually takes a couple of minutes, if that. No tears (from either of us). I can pour the little one into her cot, floppy with sleep, until she next wakes and comes back in the big bed (some nights we are even treated to an entire sleep). Imogen is cuddled to sleep every night, with lots of stories. Bed times are calm and stress free, and if she wakes in the night she is free to get in with us. The way I think about day-to-day parenting has changed too, I feel I understand more about how they must be feeling in certain situations, I have learnt to validate their feelings, to truly listen to what Imogen has to say instead of steaming ahead with what I immediately think is right.

There is a definite need to keep on writing about the benefits of this child-led, kind way of parenting for more parents and parents-to-be to stumble across. There's so much information advising about other less child-led paths. The more that's written and 'out there', the more chance there is for people like me to come across it, and have their lives completely changed for the better.

Elise in the side-car cot, Imogen taking up the big bed

One of the few pictures of Elise sleeping on me
(a nice up the nose shot there!)

Daddy and Imogen

This time two years ago...

2011-12-15T23:16:00.001Z

We had just moved out of my mum's place (round the corner) into our first home together.

We had just found out we were expecting our second surprise baby (good house timing!)

It was a bit snowy.

I was studying for my degree, I had a long commute but desperately wanted to be at home with this little one all day instead:

It's all worked out well in the end!

Timekeeping: giving myself a break

2011-12-14T22:14:00.001Z

A few months ago I decided I need to be on time, at all times. Well, clearly that hasn't happened. I am working towards being on time for the important things, like getting Imogen to preschool (when I don't have a complete disaster). For the rest I'm going to give myself a bit of a break; I'm rubbish at being on time, but I have been trying, and when I (inevitably) fail from time to time (okay, most times...) my little pact with myself only serves to make me feel guilty. That me-bashing done by yours truly is not healthy... stressing over a rule I've given myself?!

Perhaps I am destined to be constantly chasing my tail, running around like a lunatic. Surely life would be too boring if we were all calm and serene and arrived promptly at all times. There could be no bets on how late I'm going to be this time. There would be no chance of having a secret giggle at the people so horrendously late for the film at the cinema that they have to sit in single, completely separate seats (that was fun...). I am going to keep trying, but laugh if when things go wrong instead of tell myself off in some kind of weird narrative going on inside my head...

"Why are you late again?"
"Was it really necessary to clip your nails before school instead waiting half an hour?"
"Why did you try (and fail) to style your hair? You're wearing a hat."

I've done it now. I'm late. Getting myself stressed out with weird internal dialogues won't change things. At least I'm not as bad with time as my cousin's best friend, she's often a day late. Seriously.

Unrelated running photo... (that was a nice afternoon though!)

Sometimes I should just stay at home

2011-12-11T23:01:00.000Z

A tiny bit delayed here, but for most of the week if I haven't been up with Elise, I've either been sleeping, eating, or in a vegetative, sleep-deprived state in front of the TV when I should have been doing either of the other options.

Well, Wednesday was interesting. I had a bit of a disaster of a morning. Short story: I should have just stayed at home with the girls. Long story: I was still struggling with full-on horrid cold so took longer to get ready (if that's even possible for me). When we finally left for school I took the ~~not so~~ wise decision to bring along Peppy, mum's dog, on our walk there with the double buggy (far too windy for bike trailer), because I was feeling so spritely with my streaming eyes and banging headache that I thought it would be best to complicate things a bit... Why do I do these things?!

Of course, Peppy did her business in the playing fields. When cleaning up said business the buggy started running away from me (the wind was trying to steal my babies! Curse you, wind!), after rescuing them and ensuring the brake was on this time, I continued to clean up the business (the dog enjoys to carry on walking during it, so it's not so straightforward. How kind of her. Plus, she gives me a look meaning 'hey, some privacy here!' so I have to skulk out the deposits after averting my eyes...). This time the wind, scuppered by my break-putting-on skills, chose to steal the rain cover instead. Cue manic rain cover chasing (whilst feeling wonderful), Elise started to cry. I didn't have the wrap to snuggle her in. I tried to speed-walk out then the dog developed a limp... we looked like a right windswept motley crew. Needless to say we arrived late.

Later in the week we had Imogen's friend for the day while her mum was on a course, she was an absolute delight all day. After getting on wonderfully, Imogen had a complete breakdown over Rebecca wearing a particular pair of her dressing-up shoes. There were two other almost identical pairs and Imogen had shown no interest earlier. It's hard to know what to do. She's too old to distract properly, and nothing I was saying was getting through to her while she was screaming and bashing the floor, so I had to apologise to Rebecca for her and bring Imogen for a calm down in the hallway, away from the situation. Now, here's where I get stuck. I didn't want to leave her there on her own, but I didn't want to leave Rebecca on her own in the other room either. Elise was fine, rampaging between the two. If I'd brought Imogen back in, she wouldn't have calmed down at all, she would just get more and more worked up. So luckily Elise came up with a solution for my foggy mind: go outside (Well... either that, or she was just bashing on the french doors in a bid for freedom. I like to think of her as a little problem solver). There was even a break in the hailstones; it was a sign. They burnt off some energy in the field, with only minor disagreements over who was better at holding the dog lead.

"Sharing" the ~~poor~~ dog

Some trampoline fun

I had four hours sleep last night, mostly self inflicted, and silly considering I've been ill all week. I got to bed at 2am and have been up since 6 with both girls as I had my "lie in" yesterday... more like a lie awake while a sleepy Elise mauled me for an hour and a half until 8:30am when she was finally properly awake, so I got up and brought her down to Mr. PE who'd been up with Imogen since 7. Then I got an extra half hour in bed (Rubbish lie in! But at least I get them). I had been really looking forward to catching up on some of my sleep from the horrid week I've had (lie-ins are my all time favourite way of doing this, I always think of silly jobs that need doing in the evening and suddenly it's late) but alas, it was not to be. Any potential nap time today was happily sidelined for Christmas tree buying and decorating! Our house is finally getting Christmassy now that I'm getting my energy back. I'm hoping Elise will be okay tonight, the poor little tinker has had four teeth appearing all at once. Hence the lack of sleep.

Little cutie pie

No wonder they're so happy for the tooth fairy take those teeth after all the pain they cause coming through!

My little angel

2011-12-06T20:22:00.000Z

I'm writing this with one squinty eye open. Major moaning coming from me (nothing unusual there) but eugh. I always forget how completely rubbish it is being ill with no respite from little ones. My mum had the same thing and spend four days in bed (literally), Mr. PE did that crazy challenge when he had it, but he is Mr. PE after all... And now it's my turn. My head's all over the place, my eyes are streaming (such a good look), I ache all over, my throat feels like I'm swallowing razor blades, my ears are bunged up, I have hankies permanently stuffed up my nose (also attractive) because when I sniff nothing happens. Can you tell I'm after sympathy?!

Mr has just handed me a hot honey drink, unrequested. Now that's love.

In other, far more important news, I threw the hankies and tissues to one side this morning because Imogen had her nursery Christmas play, 'Busy, Busy Bethlehem'. It was adorable. Definite proud mummy moment. They had a choice between being a shepherd, a soldier, or an angel, she chose angel without hesitation (shock). We stood at the back so we could see properly, and although I felt horrendous I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Imogen has acted like an angel for the past few days. Yesterday, when I was snuggling on the sofa feeling thoroughly sorry for myself, she came and cuddled in next to me, stroking my arm with a sympathetic look saying "poor, poor mummy, it will be okay. When you're feeling well again we can play LOTS." Sweet. Let's ignore the minor blip today when she hit Elise over the head with her shoe (on purpose). Elise has just been very busy as usual, bumbling around with her busy hands. I was right by the way, she was teething. Fingers crossed for tonight. I need sleep.

Sleepy Elise using my mum as a human pillow

Weight gain, early Christmas presents, and craving time with extended family

2011-12-04T21:38:00.003Z

I've hardly left the house today, the sideways rain might have been a contributing factor there... and the fact that Elise is teething. Probably. Most night waking seems to be blamed on this illusive teething that has so far only brought along four teeth, but has caused a disproportionate amount of sleep deprived nights (pesky teething).

Imogen went to the beach with my mum this afternoon (yes, in the sideways rain... she's an all weathers girl!) Elise napped, but not for long enough to catch up with her night time escapades, so she was unusually grouchy when our first lot of family called round with Christmas presents this afternoon, my lovely ~~insanely organised~~ Aunt and my Granny. We had a good catch-up among the interruptions to read books, or be a ferocious dinosaur (apparently I'm a good dinosaur. Not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing). I never feel like I spend enough time with my dad's side of the family. There was a large amount of time growing up when we rarely saw each other, and I often feel sort of snatched away from them, but don't blame anyone for that. Everyone leads such busy lives now that it seems hard to fit in time with extended family. I love spending time with family, especially grandparents, aunts and uncles, as not only do I relish hearing stories from their youth, but I feel it teaches me more about myself. I pick up on our similar traits, mannerisms and expressions that we share. I also feel like there's a bit of yearning to find out more about who my dad was.

Well, the presents they brought don't look cumbersome, which is refreshing. In fact, they always buy lovely gifts. And of course we are grateful for anything we are given by others, but last Christmas, because the influx of new toys was ridiculous (we were swimming in them), we had to buy this bookcase to house some of them:

Yes, that's Mr. PE scratching his head

So this year they're mainly being given clothes vouchers. It's lovely that we have such generous family and friends, the vouchers will buy most of their clothes (along with the various handed down things we're given) which really lightens the load for the rest of the year.

Source: 30.media.tumblr.com via Phoebe on Pinterest

In other news, I'm tired. All day I dreamt of snuggling in a giant bed with mountains of duvets and pillows. (Who am I kidding?! I dream of that all the time!) My girls are great fun... but I feel thin and drained at the moment. Well, I felt fine on Friday but I'm coming down with a cold, so that always makes me go all 'woe is me'. I do think I need to concentrate on eating more than I do, I am always trying to eat more but never seem to put on any weight (it doesn't help that whatever I have on my plate/get out of the cupboards is scavenged by tiny hands!) So, off to relax and enjoy the remnants of the weekend, snacking on whatever's in the kitchen that fits in with the kind of foods I should try to eat more of. Mr. PE's been telling me this for a while in answer to my 'I think I'm too thin' moans, so I'll give him the credit here. The link just confirms what I need to concentrate on.

I hope everyone else has had a Snuggly Sunday

Feeling part of it all

2011-12-02T13:27:00.000Z

Yesterday morning I felt like I was part of The Truman Show. Not the whole my life being a reality TV program thing... but when I was cycling the girls to school I felt like I knew everybody, like Truman when he's on his way to work in each morning scene. I rode along the path through the playing fields and met a friend of my late Grandma's, I came on to the road and waved at a babygroup friend driving past, turned the corner and smiled at another mum I knew who was getting her daughter in the car, turning onto the road that school was on there were countless more familiar faces waving, saying hi, smiling.

This is one of the main reasons I want to stay living here. I really feel part of things. Lovely.

path through the playing fields

on the bike (the other week)

Wordless Wednesday: Playgroup

2011-11-30T08:45:00.026Z

More mums going back to work make for a quiet playgroup

[This week, the Natural Parents Network Wordless Wednesday theme was 'Playgoup' - I forgot to add mine this time, but here's their post anyway :)]

Fun With Our Phones Monday: Lots of Playing, Endless Washing, and Avocados.

2011-11-28T21:50:00.001Z

I think it's about time I did a phones pics post as I haven't linked up with Savanah and Erin for a while, so here's a snippet of my phone's life from the past month:

Playing in the field

Someone thinks they're incredibly funny...

Dressed ready for bed, but acting like it's first thing in the morning

A serious butterfly at the Children in Need party

Late afternoon snooze

Hideous side-effect of Operation House Tidy.
(I've since ploughed through all that washing. LAAAA!)

Peppy sussing out one of the new sculptures on the field

How I always like to be greeted when I enter a room...

Imogen loving her sister

Avocado for my mum who's in bed with a horrid cold. I went round to take care of her.

Hope everyone's had a good few weeks!

Natural cleaning disagreements and why I care

2011-11-27T21:51:00.001Z

Image credit: Three Peas on Flickr

Last night I read this Care2 article on the dirty secrets of chemical cleaning products, then handed it over to Mr. PE to have a look at. I've been fed up of being the one that reads up on everything and informs myself, then when I make a household decision based on what I've learnt.,without fully realising, I feel like he belittles what I'm trying to achieve with my so-called "eco warrior ways." And I regularly have to explain myself over and over, which can be especially trying on the days when I am so tired that I forget basic words, let alone have the ability to put across coherent arguments.

I have a laugh at myself sometimes, so I can try not to feel as if I'm 'the one going crazy' trying to change the way things are done, but then can get defensive if he mocks me. I don't think he even intends to mock me, I just seem to be having a complete sense of humour failure at the moment. But I have come to expect the rolling of the eyes when my I come up with my latest mission. We had a disagreement over a few of the cleaning products he had bought in the last weekly shop. Overly scented, pointless things that a really wasn't keen on having around the home. He mentioned I've already 'converted' him to quite a few different products (such as E-cloths, home made anti-bacterial spray...) but, when I had my latest moan about how he doesn't listen to anything I've been ~~banging on~~ going on about, he came out with:

"You're trying to change me"

Well no.... but yes. Not change, just educate. Over the past few months I have been shocked reading up on the potential side-effects of using many mainstream household cleaners. Mr. PE pointed out that we're exposed to chemicals all the time, even walking down the road we breathe in car fumes. I know that, and that's why I think it's important to control and reduce the amount of chemicals that come into and are used in our home. Even if we can't do much about what goes on everywhere else, we have a choice here, a choice to lessen the amount of toxic chemicals that we come into contact with. And considering we spend a lot of time in our home, I think that's important.

What else is important? If everyone just thinks "well there's nothing I can do, I might as well carry on buying the mainstream products" then nothing will change. By taking a step to use more natural products, I am using my buying power to cast a vote, and by arming yourself with knowledge as the video highlights, you are able to speak out about certain products' safety concerns. The more people that do this, the more of an impact it will have, and the more voices there will be to be heard. The recent news surrounding carcinogenic ingredients in Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo bought in the US. If nobody had said anything, nobody had thought to use other products, then it's more than likely that nothing would have changed. The people spoke out, and now the company has vowed to remove the carcinogenic ingredients.

I didn't have a clue about the potential hazards, but now I do. People say to pick your battles, but I've chosen to keep fighting this one. I can't just stand by and carry on using them pretending they're fine and everything will be okay. And I know that even with the changes I've been putting in place, it may all be fruitless, as nothing will guarantee that none of us will develop serious illnesses. At least I'm trying to lessen the chances.

(I came across the video at this PhD in Parenting post)

Indecisive thoughts on moving

2011-11-26T15:55:00.002Z

We're going to view a house this afternoon. It was my idea to consider buying but I still don't know what I think about it, so this is going to be a bit of a brain dump.

Definitely can't afford that one!

I love where we live, but... well... this may seem silly, but it's not ours. I'd always wanted to buy at some point because I like the idea of paying off a mortgage and completely owning somewhere when you're old. That must be a very secure feeling. And I know my mum is feeling very vulnerable at the moment with her current house worries, as she rented the farmhouse we grew up in for 20 odd years so still has a very hefty mortgage after only buying later in life, which she now can't afford (courtesy of our good friend redundancy, cheers for that one!).

So, I'm not entirely sure that we do want to move house. I do like the location we're in, and I like the house (aside from some major damp issues...) and there may be an option to buy in the future. All of this could just become irrelevant anyway as our we're only getting mortgage quotes on Wednesday, so those figures ~~may~~ will probably bring us back down to earth.

One thing's for sure... after deciding that our area is too pricey and we might as well move inland a bit as somewhere else would be just as lovely, I did a complete U-turn. I love it here. I grew up here. Mr. PE grew up here. My mum grew up here. My dad grew up 10 mins away but went to school here. My Granny grew up here. This place has a lot of history and memories for us, I don't want to leave. I want to make more memories here.

(Another) One of Those Days

2011-11-24T10:55:00.001Z

Yesterday was a bit manic.

I keep trying to be one of the first people to drop Imogen off at preschool, so it's easier for her to settle in before the crowds arrive, but she had other ideas... including a half-hour meltdown over which coat she wanted to wear. She wanted to wear her light summer raincoat. It was cold so that wasn't an option. Eventually got her there but we were scraping it in.

When we got back Elise went to sleep, so I raced around the house like a headless chicken sorting things out, made lunch to bring out to the playgroup that we go to straight from school, packed everything up in the bike trailer and went to get Elise up in good time for a straight forward nappy change and then out... but an unexpected 'poo-plosion' awaited me. Full outfit change, in between scrambling away or trying to put her hands in the mess, meant we were once again scraping it in. I'm wondering if I will ever become one of those early people, or if the universe has decided I will always be in a mad, sweaty rush to get wherever I'm going.

There were various meltdowns at playgroup, including "Alice is chasing me! STOP, Alice!" when Imogen had run past her numerous times, looking behind to coax Alice on... "Sam, stop ANNOYING me!" Because he wanted to help tidy up... And "ONLY I GET HIGH FIVES!" When I gave one of the others a high-five for helping me. Each was followed by sobbing cuddles in my arms. Sometimes, she seems to be her own worst enemy, and it's really sad to see. Meanwhile, Elise was just toddling around grinning at everyone.

On the way home Imogen had another tantrum because I was going the wrong way (I wasn't), but when we got home she was like another child and played happily in the garden with Elise. Then it was Elise's turn to become the grump, so I failed at cooking what I'd planned for dinner (three cheers for frozen bolognaise!) they ate early (and actually ate it for once this week). It was just one of those days were nothing much happened or went wrong, but my brain felt frazzled, with a million and one things running through it. Worries (about anything and everything), joined by the many little humphs, squeals and moans from my tinkers. I need to try to switch off the worries more and just concentrate on the moment, without all this noise crowding my head and interrupting my play with the girls.

After dinner they played, then bed. A big sigh from me, joined by some of the incredible Frozen Planet on the telly... which I keep finding myself getting overly emotional at (?!) I've been nearly in tears at the cute animals about to be eaten by other cute animals (last night was vole vs. weasel, and little buffalo vs. wolf) I need to get a grip!

Elise now draws with her big sister. My tablecloth is now ruined.

New favourite game...

Plotting her next target

Latest in Operation House Tidy: "When I'm cleanin' wind-ers"

Attractive house tidying get-up

The pout of refusal: Mummy I will not sit down!

Wordless Wednesday: Being Prepared

2011-11-23T07:46:00.014Z

We went camping for four days. Do you think we packed enough?!

[Natural Parents Network asked: "What does being prepared look like?" There were many different answers.]

Operation House Tidy: Our Bedroom

2011-11-20T23:28:00.001Z

Our room is nearly sorted. I bought some new (to us) bedside tables - something I've been meaning to do since we moved here two years ago, so now we can finally have our matching lamps out again! They were thrifted for around £12 for the pair, I got them in a charity shop in the village... well, I would have if the woman hadn't started sighing and huffing and puffing when we tried to buy them, saying she didn't know how much they were and we'd have to come back after 4pm for some unknown reason...?! My mum went back for them otherwise I might have forgotten and missed out. It reminded me of a less sinister version of the shop in the League of Gentlemen where they don't actually want you to buy anything, and religiously count the "precious things" in the shop to make sure nothing has been sold.

Well, with the room actually being nice and tidy I've realised how plain and boring it is, the pretty clothes piled in mess upon mess gave it some colour. Now it's a far cry from my mad turquoise room, with green and purple fitted bookcase (it sounds weird, it actually worked), or my lime green room once I moved to the cottage, with my pretty curtains. But then again it's not just my room any more, although the 'Phoebe' above the bed might suggest otherwise... (well it's too pretty to be put away somewhere!). I'm slightly obsessed with bright colours, so much so I need reigning in sometimes... Mr. PE failed when buying the rainbow rug in our sitting room, which my mum calls my "pregnant rug" because it's was more than likely a hormone-induced purchase. It's... "vibrant." So he put his foot down with our room, we have plain curtains, plain bed covers, plain walls...

Anyway, to prove I actually do something with my time rather than just swanning around, here's a before and after:

Old, currently homeless bedside table

Some of my pretty dresses are still out airing:

We have damp/mold issues, more recently in my wardrobe (sob, sob) so I'm trying to make sure they don't get ruined before it's all sorted out... it's making me seriously dislike period properties despite their prettiness.

Mr. PE has been holding the fort with the girls, apart from Imogen's day out to the farm park with her lovely Auntie, who updated me with pictures from her day:

stroking a ferret

She had a ball there!

I've basically spent the weekend tidying and sorting, today alone I did five loads of washing. Rock and roll!

Operation House Tidy

2011-11-18T23:14:00.000Z

Currently, my house is a complete mess... bordering on a hovel. I have all these plans, but whenever I start doing something productive I come across this barrier of clutter. As soon as the girls are in bed I've been flopping down on the sofa and pretending it will go away. When I get up to go to bed I notice all the mess again and make an attempt at it, then tire myself out. I'm dragging my feet the next day because I haven't had enough sleep, so don't get enough done, and the cycle continues...

This weekend will be Operation House Tidy. Organise my house, and organise my life.

First target: our bedroom. It clearly needs some major attention:

In my defence, I had to move all all the girls clothes and bedding in for some plumbing work to be done in their room, the clothes just haven't made it back yet... The bed's wonky since my brother hurriedly took the other mattress we'd been storing a la Princess and the Pea (I know that was on Monday, but ssssh). That pink plastic bucket/tub? It was full of fluffy toys this morning.... they are now everywhere: doing nosedives down the stairs, hiding in the bathroom cabinet, stuffed inside trouser legs found in the washing mountain...

I hope everyone else has more exciting weekend plans!

One of those days!

2011-11-17T22:20:00.000Z

My day started at 6:30am. Hang on, rewind that, it actually started with Elise grumbling at 3am to get up for around an hour and a half of monkeying around, hurling herself around the bed in sleepy abandon, attempting to find the most comfy position for her (whilst making us the least comfortable possible. Think feet in my face, head on Mr.'s cheek. Snuggles). She wasn't going to settle down properly in with us, so I deposited her back in her cot in their room and that was it until Imogen woke her up with her clattering about in the morning.

I managed to get up and showered before their breakfast for once. When I came downstairs Mr. PE had got the girls at the table for breakfast, so I continued to supervise Elise in the high chair while I scurried around getting school things ready, stopping briefly to wolf mine down.
For once, I got with the bike and trailer in good time, I have been working on timekeeping but I'd been bringing Imogen to preschool towards the end of the twenty minute dropping off time-slot. After talking to her teacher about our worries (that's for another day), I'm changing this so she can be one of the first to settle in before there's a large crowd there.

Normally Elise will have a sleep once we get back, but as she'd slept in today so there was no point in even trying. She toddled around the garden with mums dog while I tidied up various items she'd spread around the place in the morning rush, rescued some unfortunate toys she had decided belong in the bin. I went to prepare lunch but we had at least one basic ingredient missing from any combination, so I decided to set off for Imogen early with the double buggy, the dog, and the intention of stopping at the shop on the way. Elise would get a longer nap that way. We were nearly at the other end of the playing fields when I realised I was dogless. She was nowhere to be seen. She wasn't in the first section of the field. The daft dog had clearly been in her own little world and lost me, so she had scuttled back out of the fields, along the road to the front of my house. In the meantime I was rehearsing how to tell mum her dog had been dog-napped... perhaps a tad dramatic.

By the time I'd found the silly hound, I was scraping it to get to school on time for Imogen... she was one of the last two left there. She declared that I must address her as "your majesty" which gave me a giggle. Half way home she decided "I'll ride in the buggy now, mummy. Say 'That's fine, your majesty.'" accompanied with a stern look... (I'm clearly seen as her minion!). On the way back through the field she escaped from the buggy in an attempt to retrieve Peppy (the dog) and flopped out of it onto the grass in the foot muff, crossly shouting "it won't get off me!"

We had a disagreement over which way to the shop was quickest, she suddenly became "really, really, reeeally hungry" in the crisps aisle, I was applauded as being a "good girl" for crossing the road correctly. We made pancakes at home, I whizzed a few up, an extra for the bottomless pit that is Imogen, in an attempt to keep her away from mine. Elise had pooed. Bad timing. By the time Elise was finally in her high chair, Imogen had finished. Back up pancake was issued. I had to speed-eat mine before the greedy eyes came calling, which is not half as satisfying. I love to savour pancakes. We snacked on fruit, bread sticks and houmous. I tidied the hideously messy kitchen, somehow hoovered the dog-hair-covered living room in between Elise's turn-off-the-switch game. I tried to move the hoover, she sat on it. I tried to move the chair to clean under, Imogen moved all her toys in the way. I finally finished and Elise tipped over the toy kitchen spreading unseen dust spread. Joy.

....Cleaned smelly toys. Dried toys. Started dinner. Calmed fighting children. Continued dinner. Cuddled crying children. Continued dinner. Dealt snacks to whinging children. Managed to finish dinner preparations as mum arrived, left it to simmer. Ran out of the house to bring Imogen to her swimming lesson. Arrived minus swimming bag (weirdly I'd put her in her costume under her clothes and I never usually do). Mum went back to get it. Imogen chastised me because she didn't have her swimming hat. Brief sit down to watch with a hot chocolate (lovely). Got Imogen showered and changed. Arrived home. Dished up dinner. Elise cried and refused it. Imogen ate about three mouthfuls. Got them ready for bed. Cuddled them to sleep. Collapsed on to the sofa.... and breathed.

Phew. It was one of those days that everything seemed to go wrong, just little things... like walking into the kitchen and the broom fell on me, bashing my head on the clothes maiden then knocking all the clothes off it onto the garden soil covered floor. I could go on. It was a laugh or cry day, and I chose to laugh; it makes things so much easier.

What will tomorrow bring?

Trousers explanation: apparently the children were comparing leg muscles. Yes...

Retrieving Peppy

Family time

2011-11-15T17:04:00.000Z

My biggest brother lives down south, near London. We're a very close family and get on really well, so it's sad when we don't get to see each other often (me and mum pine for them... tragic!). This weekend he came up with his lovely girlfriend to stay for two nights... mum was giddy with excitement and had all mad plans of painting the spare bedroom for them?! Needless to say that didn't happen (she did move it all round though). She goes all out when my brothers come round, with fancy food, tasty snacks and good wine (she sees me too often to bother...). Unfortunately she usually spends so long doing who-knows-what getting the already tidy house tidier, and sorting out cupboards that nobody will look in, that she is rarely actually ready when he gets here. This weekend was no exception...

On Saturday, Mr. PE was away for the day taking part in the Cannock Chase Challenge*, so he had the car. I was relying on mum to bring me to the shops to get stuff in for each of our houses before my brother arrived. When she finally turned up, six hours after she said we'd go, he'd already been here for about an hour. And she hadn't even done her hair (it looked fine but she was having "hair issues" as she put it). I would have walked, but she'd get in a mood with me as she seems to have this idea that she's never usually late, and takes offence if I mention how late she really is... she seems to think time revolves around her, that everything will wait for her. That's the most frustrating thing about her. The rest is great! But it kind of ruined my day because I'd spent the entire day waiting around, with the girls climbing up the walls, thinking she would turn up at any minute. I went to the shops with my brother in the end.

We had a lovely, relaxed rest of weekend. On Sunday, both of Mr. PE's sisters called round, it's always good to see them and have a catch up. The rest of Sunday was spent going for a walk on the beach, returning home to a beautiful roast dinner which my other brother and his wife joined us for (keep forgetting they're married now!), followed by lounging in front of The Great Escape once the girls had been parcelled off to bed. I excitedly mentioned that we'd seen all our siblings in one day... Mr. PE rolled his eyes at me, noone else seemed quite as enthusiastic. Oh well!

Growling beach monsters!

Late afternoon sun

I love my big brothers

*[I may be wrong but I think the challenge involved mountain biking, running and canoeing. I was surprised he'd managed to go considering he was completely full of cold, had a horrible cough and lost his voice. He got three-quarters of the way through (somehow), but didn't complete it because he started coughing too much and was out of breath. He was a bit down about that, but he really should have been in bed getting better - not chasing around on a mountain bike! Sympathy and hugs were offered upon his return...]

Lest we forget

2011-11-13T23:52:00.004Z

Credit: mattzcoz on Flickr

In my thoughts today was my Great-great Uncle James McDermott, who went down with the Lusitania. His brother, my Great-Grandfather, promptly left his medicine degree at Edinburgh university to volunteer to fight in the war. He was fortunate and went on to live a long life.

I'm very lucky to have not had direct relatives as casualties (that I am aware of), but then again, I may not have been here if that had been the case. Since posting on Friday I had been thinking about how little I knew of both my Grandfathers parts in the war. I was speaking to my mum today and she filled in many gaps I had surrounding what they were (or rather, weren't) involved in:

During World War II my then 18-year-old maternal Grandfather caught tuberculosis on one of his first exercises and was invalided out, so he wasn't involved in any active combat (he hadn't told my Grandma about it, until it resurfaced when my mum was seven). My paternal Grandfather was part of 'Dad's Army' - the Home Guard. He was a farmer, so they needed to stay to produce the country's food.

I think it's incredibly important to remember those killed fighting for their country. So, at 11am today, I stopped to think of the brave people that have given their lives for the terrible thing that is war.

Wartime memories from my Grandma

2011-11-11T22:20:00.002Z

I never met either of my Grandfathers, as they passed away before I was born, so I never heard any first-hand stories of battles during the second world war. I don't know if stories would have been repeated, or whether they would want to tell them to ensure we didn't forget. I heard the odd tale about my Great Uncles as part of the RAF, but most things I've heard about the war are the experiences my Grandma shared with me from living in Liverpool during the Blitz.

Bombed out church, Liverpool
Credit: SmokinMesa on Flickr

It must have been a terrifying time; she was still clearly (and unsurprisingly) deeply affected by her memories of the war until she died. At various times throughout the war her mother sent her away from the city, along with her brothers and sister, to stay with their various Aunts in Ireland. But that fear from the times she spent in wartime Liverpool stayed with her forever.

My Grandma was one of seven children living in a three bedroom, semi-detached house on Queens Drive. She was 14 when war broke out. I remember her telling me of nights were they would all huddle together, hearing the whooshes of the bombs up above, of the times when burning tyres or shrapnel would land in their front garden, and of the night her mother sent them up to bed only to find the interior wall between the bedrooms had completely collapsed with the bombs' tremors. She also told me of a time of regret; when she had been in line in a shop and saw a man she knew come in, and she noticed he had lost a leg in combat. She purposefully avoided eye contact, she said she hadn't known what to say to him so avoided the situation altogether, but still regretted it 50 years later when she recounted it to me.

There is one particular shared memory that has always stuck with me: apparently when asked "What would you do if a German solider parachuted into your back yard?" my Great-Grandmother had replied, "Bring them in for a cup of tea - they're somebody's son." Even though her city was being bombarded night after night, she didn't lose her sense of humanity. That part makes me smile.

Cooking food to thrive rather than survive

2011-11-08T07:42:00.047Z

Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: Kids in the Kitchen
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how kids get involved in cooking and feeding. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

Sometimes when I'm trying to speed-spread the sandwiches for lunch before all hell breaks loose and I hear that telling scraping sound of the chair being pushed across the floor towards me, I inwardly groan. I would love her to help more, but oh the mess! The last time we made pancakes together the flour was flicked everywhere. And by everywhere I mean inside the toaster, all over the hob, in all the buttons of the microwave, somehow infecting the coffee granules which she'd probably been having a nose in...

But I'm learning the importance of letting them help more instead of relying on the mind-numbing babysitter that the television can become. Well, I'm learning to let Imogen help anyway. I have to say I haven't been letting 14-month-old Elise, not yet... she's already like a mini wrecking ball, leaving destruction in her wake, so she's very happy to be left at floor level to raid the kitchen cupboards and hide the garlic in the TV cabinet, or stuff the mixed herbs behind the sofa cushions.

Elise escaping with her loot

The mess is never quite as bad as it looks, anyway. And it usually leads to a clean plate at the end of the meal because she's had a part in making it. We have the best results when Imogen's involved in the whole food process: go out to the vegetable patch and dig up the potatoes that she had helped to plant, brush them clean and put them on to boil, or to the patio to pick tomatoes, cucumber, and lettuce for a salad. Imogen was very excited to eat our carrots but unfortunately something else had got there first. Unfortunately I've had a lapse now and we have nothing ready for picking bar the last remaining tomatoes. Okay, I'll come clean... nothing even in the ground.

Imogen's first strawberry

Some days I've just got too much on and need to whizz something up quickly without the help of tiny hands, but I have found it nice to let Imogen join in and now she regularly asks to help. The girls' favourite meal is spaghetti bolognaise. I talk Imogen through the whole process as she watches stood on her chair, helping when it's safe by stirring with me, and adding ingredients, whilst discussing where each item came from. I'm trying to cook every meal from scratch, or as close as possible to that, using as much garden produce as I can. But despite growing up on a farm, I haven't always eaten this way - far from it actually. When I was younger my family was seduced by the ready-meals and easy snacks, I used to be regularly drawn in by chicken nuggets and suchlike and didn't see a problem with it. I did begin to realise that these foods weren't all that, and having recently come across Nev @ A Lime Less Ordinary's re-blog about mechanically separated chicken I now feel sick at the thought of eating that "chicken". Even my once beloved McDonald's fix has been kicked to the side. It's strange that it actually seems like a fix: a high straight afterwards, then you feel rubbish... it sounds much more like a drug than a meal.

It would be lovely if our girls grew up without the niggling craving of junk foods that I often experience, and we didn't even have that much when we were children. I rarely had cola or lemonade as a child, and drink them only a few times a year now. 'Fizzy' drinks are never my drink of choice. I hope by avoiding these foods and drinks with the girls, they will grow used to good, healthy food and escape a lifetime junk-craving. Not only does it make me feel happier to know we're eating food that will make us thrive rather than survive, but the girls are hopefully gaining good, life-long food habits.

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Baking & letting go — Cooking with kids can be a mess. Nadia at Red White & GREEN Mom is learning to relax, be patient, and have fun with the process.
Family feeding in Child of Mine — Lauren at Hobo Mama reviews Ellyn Satter's suggestions for appropriate feeding and points out where her family has problems following through.
Children with Knives! (And other Kitchen Tools) — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy teaches her children how to safely use knives.
"Mommy, Can I Help?" — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how she lets her kiddos help out with cooking, despite her {sometimes} lack of patience!
Solids the Second Time Around — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts her experiences introducing solids to her second child.
The Adventure of Toddler Tastebuds — The Accidental Natural Mama shares a few things that helped her daughter develop an adventurous palate.
A Tradition of Love — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy looks forward to sharing the kitchen traditions passed on from her mom and has already found several ways to involve baby in the kitchen.
The Very Best Classroom — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts reveals how her kitchen is more than a place to make food - it's a classroom!
Raising Little Chefs — Chef Mike guest posts on Natural Parents Network about how he went from a guy who couldn't cook to a chef who wanted to teach his boys to know how the food we love is made.
In the Kitchen with my kids — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares a delicious soup recipe that her kids love.
Papa, the Pancake Artist — Papa's making an incredible breakfast over at Our Mindful Life.
Kids won't eat salad? Try this one! — Tat at Mum in Search is sharing her children's favourite salad recipe.
Recipe For a Great Relationship — Cooking with kids is about feeding hearts as well as bellies, writes Hannah at Wild Parenting.
The Ritual of Mealtimes — Syenna at Gently Parenting Twins writes about the significance of mealtimes in her family’s daily rhythm.
Kid, Meet Food. Food, Kid. — Alburnet at What's Next? panicks about passing on her food "issues" to her offspring.
Growing Up in the Kitchen — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life shares how her son is growing up in the kitchen.
Harvesting Corn and History — From Kenna at School Garden Year: The kids in the school garden harvest their corn and learn how much history grows in their food.
My Guiding Principles for Teaching my Child about Food — Tree at Mom Grooves uses these guiding principles to give her daughter a love of good food and an understanding of nutrition as well as to empower her to make the best choices for her body.
Kitchen Control — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro writes about her struggles to relinquish control in the kitchen to her children.
Food — Emma at Your Fonder Heart lets her seven month old teach her how to feed a baby.
Kitchen Fun? — Adrienne at Mommying My Way questions how much fun she can have in a non-functional kitchen, while trying to remain positive about the blessings of cooking for her family.
Kitchen Adventures — Erica at ChildOrganics shares fun ways to connect with your kids in the kitchen.
Kids in the Kitchen: Finding the Right Tools — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares some of her favorite child-sized kitchen gadgets and where to find them.
The Kitchen Classroom — Laura at Authentic Parenting knows that everything your kids want to learn is at the end of the ladle.
Kids in the Kitchen — Luschka from Diary of a First Child talks about the role of the kitchen in family communication and shares fun kitchen activities for the under two.
Our Kitchen is an Unschooling Classroom. — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle explores the many ways her kitchen has become a rich environment for learning.
Montessori-Inspired Food Preparation for Preschoolers — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares lots of resources for using Montessori food preparation activities for young children in the kitchen.
My Little Healthy Eater — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares her research on what is the best first food for babies, and includes a healthy and yummy breakfast recipe.
Two Boys and Papa in the Kitchen: Recipe for Disaster? — MudpieMama shares all about her fears, joys and discoveries when the boys and handsome hubby took over the kitchen.
Food choices, Food treats — Henrietta at Angel Wings and Herb Tea shares her family's relationship with food.
learning to eat — Catherine at learner mummy reflects on little M's first adventures with food.
The Night My 7-Year-Old Made Dinner — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! shares how her 7-year-old daughter surprised everyone by turning what started as an idea to play restaurant into pulling off making supper for her family.
Cooking With a High-Needs Toddler — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how Montessori-inspired activities and a bit of acceptance have helped her overcome hurdles in cooking while caring for a "high-needs" child.
Kids in the Kitchen – teaching healthy food choices — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares her belief in the importance of getting kids into the kitchen using her favorite cookbook for kids to develop healthy food choices now and hopefully into the future.
Make Milk, Not War — Tamara at Tea for Three remembers the daily food fights as she struggled to feed a picky eater.
teaching baby birds about good food. — Sarah at Small Bird on Fire writes about the ways in which her family chooses to gently teach their son how to make wise food decisions.
5 Ways to Enhance Your Baby or Young Toddler's Relationship with Food — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares simple ways to give your child a healthy beginning to her lifelong relationship with food.
Toddler at the Table: 10 Creative Solutions — Moorea at Mamalady shares tips for preventing meal-time power struggles.
How My Child Takes Responsibility During His Mealtime... — Jenny @ I'm a full-time mummy shares how she teaches and encourages her 32 months old son on adopting good manners and responsibilities during his mealtimes...
Kids in the Kitchen: 6 Tips Plus a Recipe — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares six tips for overcoming some of the the difficulties of cooking with multiple young sous chefs, and a recipe they all can agree on!
How BLW has made me a better parent — Zoe at Mummykins shares how baby-led weaning has changed her approach to parenting.
My Budding Chef — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom is no cook but is happy that her daughter has shown an inclination and manages to whip up yummy goodies for their family.
Kids in the Kitchen: An Activity for Every Age — Gaby from Tmuffin describes how she keeps her kids busy in the kitchen, whether they are one week old or two years old.
The Phantastically Mutlipurposed Phyllo — Ana at Pandamoly shares how Phyllo is used to create enticing dishes at home! Anything can be made into a Struedel!
Kitchen Kids — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen shares her children's most favorite recipe to make, experience and eat.
Independence vs. Connection in the Kitchen: won't you please get yourself your own snack already? — Lisa at Organic Baby Atlanta wishes her daughter would just go make a mess in the kitchen. But her daughter only wants to do it together.
Grandma Rose's Kitchen — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter reminisces about her childhood and dreams of filling her kitchen with people, love, noise, and messes.
Healthy Food Choices for Kids — Jorje offers one way to encourage children to make their own healthy food choices at MommaJorje.com.
Cooking food to thrive rather than survive — Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales is trying to foster a lifetime of good food habits by teaching her children about the importance of avoiding junk, cooking healthy meals, and learning about the whole food process.
Evolution of a self-led eater — Sheila at A Gift Universe shares the story of how her son grew from nursing around the clock to eating everything in sight, without her having to push.
10 Ways Tiny Helps In The Kitchen — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama explores the ways in which her toddler actively participates in kitchen-related activities.
The Complexity of Feeding a Child — Feeding children a healthy diet is no straight-forward task, but Lisa at My World Edenwild shares some general guidelines to help your child thrive.
Lactation Cookies — That Mama Gretchen shares a fun recipe that will benefit both mamas and babies!
50 of the Best Books, Websites, & Resources to Inspire Kids in the Kitchen — Need inspiration to get your kids in the kitchen? Dionna at Code Name: Mama rounds up some of the best books and websites that can serve as a source for ideas, recipes, and cooking with littles fun.
A 4-year-old's smoothie recipe — Jen at Grow With Graces and her son set out to make a smoothie without the usual ingredients. She let him improvise. See how it turned out.
Independent Food Preparation (My Toddler Can Do That?) — Megan at Montessori Moments shares simple ways for children to prepare their own healthy snacks.
Follow Your Gut — Amy at Anktangle shares her philosophy about intuitive eating, and how she's trying to foster her son's trust in his own inner wisdom when he feels hungry.
A TODDLER-STYLE LUNCH + RECIPE — Manic Mrs. Stone photographs how to have messy fun during lunchtime with a helpful toddler.

Loving two

2011-11-07T16:21:00.002Z

Around this time last year, when Elise was 12 weeks old, Imogen was struggling. She's a ball of emotion at the best of times, but then she was seriously fighting with her feelings, switching from one extreme to the other. Hitting me, screaming, ranting and raving then running up for a big, tight, sobbing cuddle. She didn't know where she was; her life had been shattered by the coming of her baby sister. My attention was no longer solely directed at her. She had to share me. When I came across this it really spoke to me:

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement; yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you. You each have your own supply.

I remember having a panic shortly before Elise was born, thinking 'What have I done?!' and wondering how I will ever love another as much as I love Imogen. I now know I needn't have worried. And a year on, Imogen is absolutely loving having a baby sister (most of the time), her favourite thing is dancing with Elise. It's a joy to have watched their relationship grow this far. I hope they're friends forever.

August 2010

December 2010

January 2011

October 2011

Escaping the house: A proper night out

2011-11-06T22:58:00.003Z

Oops I've failed NaBloPoMo already, let's pretend this part was posted last night:

Tonight, mum is minding Imogen and Elise and we're going out. It's a rare occasion for both Mr. PE and myself to both be out together. It's Bonfire night, so there will be fireworks galore but hopefully they wont wake up the girlies... Mr. PE has decided to drive just in case, so we can be home quickly if they wake and can't be settled. We will bring them to see some fireworks before bedtime but I reckon Imogen will hate them. She's very noise sensitive.

Remember, remember the Fifth of November, gunpowder, treason and plot!

The night out is for one of my best friend's birthday, we've been friends since we were both shy little 11-year-olds in high school. We all go out for it each year (although I missed last year because Elise was tweeny and needed me) and it usually ends up messy, one of the only times a year when I have a massive blowout. And I often end up in my own little world, crab dancing:

Hmmm...

This year I'm going to attempt to exercise will power.Wish me luck!

***

Well I luxuriated in bed until about half ten this morning... and I'm not nursing a hangover, just tiredness (hurray for will power!) which is understandable considering I arrived home at 4am (!!!) and Elise woke up just after I'd got into bed. Mr. PE tried to get her back to sleep on his side of the bed (he went home earlier on), but she cried for me as she only ever wants mummy snuggles at night, so we cuddled until she was properly awake at around 7 when Mr. got up with her and left me to starfish in bed. I must have thrown some epic shapes last night because I think I've pulled a muscle in my back pulling some ambitious dance moves. Oh dear. Well we had a fun night, I felt silly and giddy; it was great.

Oh and much to my surprise, Imogen loved the fireworks.

Hand writing can't accidentally be deleted. Massive Bonus.

2011-11-04T23:59:00.004Z

When you are writing, do you prefer to use a pen or a computer?

Well, it depends what I'm writing. When posting here I clearly don't use a jotter to create drafts, but when I was writing university assignments I would use a mixture of the two: hand write quotes, plan outlines, ideas - especially for the longer essays and for my dissertation, and then type it all up to fiddle around with. As I mentioned briefly here, my degree is in Middle Eastern Studies (I switched from Arabic Studies post Imogen) and my most memorable essay title dealt to me was... wait for it...

The fact that Iran emerged from the post war settlements as a sovereign state with its territorial integrity intact can be attributed to the collapse of the Czarist Russian empire. Discuss.

My dissertation

Now, I'm ashamed to say that when I started the module, The Middle East and World War I, I didn't even know the dates of the war (1914-1918. I am now enlightened. LAAAAA. That's an enlightened noise in case you didn't know.) and I didn't have a clue about what a Czar was or the fact that there had been a Czarist empire. I don't know whether that was ignorant or relatively normal, I hadn't studied history since year 9 (age 13-14) so I wasn't particularly knowledgeable to say the least. (I had been focusing on languages because in my first year I'd continued Spanish and French as well as begun Arabic, so I was delving into Spanish history more than anything). I set to work on my essay in good time and I'm usually a last minute Annie. (Not advisable). The final week before the deadline my mum had invited a family friend to stay, we still lived with her so Imogen was moved back into our bedroom to free up the other room, which meant I had nowhere to work in peace (downstairs is all one big room with a small kitchen off it) so I stuck with sprawling myself on the landing every evening, being stepped over whenever anyone needed to get to their respective bedrooms (it's a small cottage, so a teeny tiny landing) trying to finish it off.

Bound and ready to be handed in

Well any way in the end I managed to muster up a first in that module, and my best mark of my entire course. I was very please with myself. But back to the question... I like to hand write notes so I am able to spread everything out, I like to be able to draw diagrams, to re-order things with mad arrows and the odd asterix here and there. I love the feel of pen and paper (I think it feels more real somehow), and the fact that I cannot have a total disaster and lose it all! But with the editing at the end, cut and paste is invaluable to switch things round to get the desired effect, it would take an eternity to hand write that each time. So basically... I like both (indecisive as ever).

I've realised I am officially turning into my Granny - going on massive tangents with every question. Help!

For my last meal, I would want...

2011-11-03T21:38:00.000Z

If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?

I know this prompt was from yesterday but I've only just found the page... and I'm currently brain mushed and can't think for myself. Today's prompt (Can you listen to music and write? What song did you hear today?) really doesn't fit with me at the moment - the only songs I know right now seem to be nursery rhymes. I used to be really in to music, knew all the "cool" new songs before they were out on the radio, or new bands before they were "known". Now? It's Humpty Dumpty all the way with a side of Old MacDonald. Mr. PE looks in mock horror when I hear a song and comment "Oooh this sounds good," when it's actually been around for months.

What are these prompts from? Well, I've decided to take part in National Blog Posting Month or NaBloPoMo, which means I'm supposed to post something every day in November. We'll see how that goes... I'm not sure I'm interesting enough to waffle about myself so frequently!

So, back to the question: If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?

Image credit : Su℮ ❥

A Sunday roast. No contest. Even if it wasn't Sunday (crazy I know!). With lamb, mint sauce, Mr. PE's herby roast potatoes. Yorkshire puddings too as if it was my last meal I definitely wouldn't need to stick to the Yorkshires with beef "rule" (the one we ignore most Sundays). In fact, I'd go wild and have a load of stuffing as well (no rude thoughts, please) and lots of tasty gravy. And broccolli (love broccolli). Roasted parsnips. Carrots. Cauliflower cheese. More mint sauce (now I'm salivating).

When finished I would lean back in my seat and undo my top button of my jeans, and sigh a contented breath. Ideally I'd have my extended family around me chattering away, a sense of normalcy maintained by them being blissfully unaware that it was my last meal, and the girls would likely be up to their usual tricks: throwing everything on the floor/ squealing/ wiping noses on my sleeve, and I'd be savouring every moment.

Wow, I really over-think things!

Wordless Wednesday: Halloween's past and present

2011-11-02T22:34:00.000Z

2008 2009

2010

2011

1980s bin bag chic

Movember: Let the 80s commence

2011-11-01T23:59:00.005Z

Mr. PE has ~~been coerced~~ decided to take part in Movember, along with around eighteen other male members of staff to raise money for prostate and testicular cancer initiatives. They were instructed to shave yesterday and are allowed a week of "cultivating" (this amused me) before shaving all but their newly grown moustaches on the weekend.
He's been threatening me with the Poirot-style moustache:

I'm hoping that's a joke... either way, this should be a comical month!

My mum is amazing

2011-10-31T23:10:00.000Z

At the beach, late 1980s

My mum has been completely selfless as long as I can remember. She's had an awful lot going on throughout her life. Amongst many other things, she...

was pushed into a career she never wanted to do
unbeknownst to her at the time, married an alcoholic who never recovered.
worked full time as a single mum of three, yet always found time for us. No matter what. I even remember her cuddling me to sleep most nights.
had both her sons (my brothers) suffer with Chronic Fatigue Sydrome (CFS)/Myalgic Encephalopathy (ME). She had to fight for some sort of diagnosis. This went on for four to five years as my brothers would recover then dip again.
faced an Erin Brockovich style fight over 500 times the legal amount of lead in our drinking water.
had our home exorcised (that's another story...)
put up with me when I was a cow during my teenage years and didn't recognise she was having a nervous breakdown.
took in Mr. PE and I when we were both university students expecting a surprise baby. She gave us the biggest bedroom (we wouldn't have fitted in the others). She had us there for two years.

She's always trying to 'spoil' me and my brothers, always trying to ensure we are happy. She's given everything, but sadly often at the expense of her own well-being. She is an amazing Grandma or "Mar-mar" and my daughters adore her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I love my mum and I want her to be happy.

Fun With Our Phones Monday: Halloween and Autumn Walks

2011-10-31T21:42:00.003Z

I'm Linking up with Savanah and Erin after a weeks break when my phone to laptop lead went mysterious missing and just so happened to turn up in the toy kitchen... So here's two weeks in mobile phone pictures:

Imogen got a new snow suit ready for the winter (it's supposedly going to be another Frozen Britain this year)

Very pleased with herself

The girls took their babies out for some fresh air:

I went to visit my Granny with the girls. Elise kept running from one end of the room to the other with her feely-feely hands trying to cause carnage... She picked up this picture from when one of my big brothers was around her age.

Granny thinks my brother and Elise look similar, but I can never tell

When Imogen was a baby I met some lovely friends at a baby group, and we all our second children at similar times too. Most of them are now back at work (sob, sob) so on Saturday one of them threw a Halloween party for all the little ones (and a nice catch up for all the grown-ups). Imogen refused to be anything Halloween related and decided she had to be a fairy princess. Fair enough...

Twirling fairy

Elise on the other hand had no choice (muahahaha) so she was lumped with being a pumpkin:

Leaving the party

Mr. PE decided on a new storage solution for the spare double mattress... Our bed is now ridiculously high and I feel like princess and the pea! It's going to have a new home at my brother's soon.

TMI alert: Yesterday we went on another Sunday afternoon stroll through the pine woods and across towards the man made lake. Imogen, struck with some kind of primal urge, keeps deciding she needs to poo in the woods. Not ideal. Luckily I'm an extreme hoarder and even keep my pockets well stocked with bags and tissues, and there were dog poo bins handy. Nice.

The man made ~~lake~~ puddle

Looking towards the coast

In other news: Is it wrong that I enjoy doing washing when it's full of pretty things like this?

The weekend was pretty quiet because I was nursing a horrendous hangover. It turned into a three day beast. How did a quiet takeaway at a friends become a 2am stumble-to-a-taxi home? Although I had fun at the time, I majorly regretted it as I was a wreck for the whole weekend. Well that and the fact that Elise was up waiting for me when I got home... Mr. PE let me nap lots the next day. Naps are amazing.

Accepting my life as it is, and loving it

2011-10-27T08:51:00.000+01:00

Earlier today I read My little loves' post linking to a piece about acceptance, and it helped me understand myself a little bit more.

Cambridge 2007

Most days I feel content, I feel that I have almost all that I crave. But sometimes I just long for that freedom, for those long summer holidays of going off with my friends, when time was no object. I could go for a night out and walk home afterwards, giggling away with my friends without counting down the hours of sleep I'd have left. I could eat when I was hungry and rest almost as much as I liked. I could read countless books. I could go on holidays, to music festivals, I could easily stay with friends dotted around the country. I had career plans and I was working towards them.
Sometimes I look at my school friends and long for their freedom, for their ability to just up and spend a month working in Russia, or go volunteering in Thailand for two months, or spend three months travelling around the United States and Canada. The world is their oyster.

Leeds festival 2006

And then here I am, still living in the small town 5 minutes from where I grew up (I spent a grand total of a year living in a different city until I fell pregnant with Imogen). Now, every minute is dictated by chores I need to do, and time I need to give to someone else. I do get glimpses of those feelings fluttering by, sometimes they linger for a bit longer, like when I danced the night away at my cousins 18th, or when we went mountain biking in the woods, but those truly carefree days are gone forever.

I often struggle to recognise the person I am today, but I think I've really changed for the better. For me, life isn't about going out drinking all night every Friday and Saturday. Life isn't about ~~spending~~ wasting every Sunday so hungover that I cannot even walk between my bedroom and the bathroom without hunching over. Life isn't about lusting after the bad boys that will inevitably make me miserable. So, despite having those occasional longings for those days of minimal responsibility, I'm far happier in my own skin. Every day I am learning more about myself through my experiences with my two little girls, and most of the time I am liking what I see. Above all, although I have my moments, I have learnt that I have the ability to exercise extreme patience. Having children has also pushed me into really looking at what we're doing to our world, what is wrong with it, and how I can try to make it better, simply because I care about the world they're growing up in.

Thinking about the message in that post has helped me accept that this is where I am. I know I wouldn't change it, because although it doesn't sound exciting from the average outsider, my life is fantastic. I have so much more now and I remind myself of this every day.

The field with my girlies 2011

5 reasons to be happy

2011-10-24T07:35:00.001+01:00

Mr. PE is off work all week for ~~my sanity break~~ the half term break.
We are finally getting a new boiler (courtesy of our landlords) so wont have to freeze for a third winter, which can only be a good thing.
I've been to the beach twice in the past two days. Lovely.
My girlies are delicious (...in my completely unbiased opinion).
I'm going wedding dress shopping today! I'm going with my mum who is giddy with excitement. I have a picture in my head of the kind of dress I'm after. Definitely not after anything pricey, or overly "poofy". I want to be able to dance carefree and not worry about my dress falling down/being trodden on/keeping people away with immense poofiness.

Imogen and her cousins

Ancient Footprints

2011-10-23T09:37:00.002+01:00

A few days ago I was looking through the local paper, when I read about a National Trust guided walk at the beach with a chance to see stone-age footprints that have recently been exposed by the shifting sands. So I asked Mr. PE, one of my brothers and his wife to come along with me (my brother had replied with NERD ALERT but agreed all the same, then he was the one asking the guide all the questions... who's the nerd now, hey?!) I have been to the beach regularly throughout my life (at least twice a month) and I had no idea how frequently these prints can actually be seen.

Walking over the dunes towards the beach

My brother and sister-in-law

Mr. PE and I

The wind blowing sand across the beach

My feet either side of a 6000-7000-year-old footprint
(there have been much better examples found in the past)

I didnt bring the girls; they would have been bored as anything on the tour (and it was good to be able to walk at an adult pace for once...), but it's nice that I now have the extra knowledge to share with them when they're a bit bigger. I have to admit I'd always thought the clay-soil/squishy parts of the beach were due to some gross pollution thing (?!) when it's actually the land that was here before sand covered it over. I discovered that there used to be roe deer, red deer, aurochs (apparantly they were like ferocious cows the size of a small elephant), and wading birds amongst others. All their footprints have been found when the sands have slowly shifted to reveal the old clay soil beneath. I think it's incredible to think I was walking on the exactly the same spot of land as these ancient people.

It's amazing what you can find on your doorstep.

Enjoying my girls

2011-10-23T00:00:00.000+01:00

Recently, Imogen has been having so much fun with her little sister. They've started really playing with each other and Imogen says how much she loves having Elise.

We were at a birthday party last week, and the pair of them spent most of the afternoon dancing around together:

Of course they get cross with one another too. Numerous times each day, in fact. More often than not involving toy sharing (or lack of it). But at the moment they're enjoying being sisters, and I'm really enjoying them.

I feel incredibly lucky.

Pre-school Worries

2011-10-20T00:27:00.000+01:00

[I've written this in a bit of a rush, so apologies if it's a little disjointed and garbled.]

As I mentioned previously, Imogen has started pre-school. She's now in her sixth week there and she goes three mornings a week. They can go every morning but I don't think she would be ready for that yet (the head teacher patronised me by suggesting that maybe it was me that wasn't ready. She's only 3! I was not happy with that).

Well, although she rarely tells me anything about her day, she did seem to be enjoying herself there. My "What did you do at nursery today?" has usually been answered with "NothinK." or "I don't. know." And eventually throughout the rest of the week I have been fed little snippets of what she's been doing and who she has played with (if anyone).

The week before last I noticed she was either saying she had played with a girl called Sadie, or nobody. It struck a nerve when she just simply said, "Sadie didn't hold my hand today..."

I was always really shy. I remember starting reception class when I was four, each day I would just stand at the edge of the playground on my own until Catherine, a lovely girl from the year above, would come along with her friend and link my arm. On my first day of high school I didn't know a soul. I stood on my own in the hall for about ten minutes until two girls in the same boat called me over. And even now I can still be quite shy and awkward around some people. But this isn't about me, it's about my big girlie.

Happy on her first day

Yesterday I left asking about school until later on in the afternoon, which is when she told me that she'd been playing with a ship and some boys came and took it off her, which is obviously pretty standard behaviour. Normally she kicks up a fuss about things like that and speaks out about how that wasn't fair/that wasn't very nice/that she wants it back NOW! But when I asked her what she did when they took it she told me "NothinK. I asked for it back and they said no, so I just sat on my own." ... :(

I assured her that if something like that happens again she can tell one of the teachers and they will help her. But it really surprised me that she reacted like that, in a completely different way to when I'm around.

When I ask her if she likes school she says yes, nodding her head, but I've noticed her eyes going blank. Eyes tell the truth. I got the feeling she's just saying it because she thinks it's what I want to hear. So I occupied Elise with some toys, then had a little "cuddle talk" with Imogen. I reassured her that she can always tell me if anything makes her feel sad, if she doesn't like something it's okay to say so, and if anybody does anything she doesn't like, I will always be there to listen to her - even if they've said she can't tell anybody (I thought I might as well cover scary situations like that while I was at it). Then I asked if she liked school and she said no. She went on to say that the boys aren't nice to her but they are nice to other girls, she doesn't play with anybody... Basically she just doesn't like it.

My mum said maybe I put the idea in her head by saying it's okay if you don't like something, but if so, why would Imogen go on with all the others reasons? So this morning I went in to speak to her teacher. Mrs. T said she's an observer (great, so she's being categorised already); she stands at the edge and watches what's going on, plays alongside but rarely actually with the other children . She also said that because Imogen's so tall it's easy to forget how young she is. Then added that there was a boy last year who didn't play with the others until the last three weeks of the school year... (nice way to put my mind at ease!) She has said she'll keep an eye on Imogen, but to be honest that hasn't given me much comfort.

Mr. PE suggested that we put her in nursery for an extra morning to help her settle in more... but what if that makes her more uncomfortable? I worry that could do more harm than good.

Even though this doesn't seem like much, Imogen is a very sensitive little girl. She is a big ball of emotion, and even I have to tread carefully with her. I'm worried that maybe we've picked the wrong pre-school (and I've already sent off the school application for the school it leads in to). Also, what if she's not ready to go at all? She is only three, after all. But then she might have problems starting school full time if she hasn't consistently been to pre-school.

I'm just not sure what's best. I want to keep my girl content, happy... not nibbling her fingers with a quiet, worried expression. And definitely not going along with something that makes her miserable and burying those feelings just to please others. I want to squeeze her and make it all fine, and I'm completely torn between keeping her with me or seeing if she'll settle in better. This parenting malarkey comes with a lot of decisions, and right now I'm damned if I know which ones we should make.
Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated!

Fun With Our Phones Monday: First swimming lesson

2011-10-17T21:06:00.000+01:00

This week Imogen had her first proper swimming lesson, aside from the mum and baby ones I brought her to when she was tiny. You're not allowed to take photos in the pool area so I had to settle for this one:

(I might eat her.)

She really enjoyed it and kept waving at us with a look of glee on her face, she's looking forward to her next lesson!

We had a play-doh morning:

Elise kept trying to eat it all.

Another morning, we went to the big park on our bikes:

My giggling girls shared their truck on the field:

Elise conked out for nap time. She didn't even flinch during pre-bed nappy change:

Playing in the churchyard after visiting their Grandpa's grave.

Imogen hogged the rocking horse throughout the entire kids party this afternoon:

Another relatively quiet week. I've enjoyed recharging. Although on Saturday night I went to Farmaggedon with Mr. PE, one of my best friends, and her boyfriend. It's at a children's farm park, but they transform it into an adults Halloween "scare-fest" in the evenings (sounds weird but they do it well).
Scariest part: chainsaw wielding maniac chasing us. Couldn't have run any faster! (Except when I ran back, minus "brave" men, to rescue my abandoned friend!)

Sisterly Love

2011-10-16T23:59:00.002+01:00

The beginnings of a relationship that I'll never fully understand.

I feel privileged to be watching it blossom :)

Wordless Wednesday: Money

2011-10-12T07:29:00.008+01:00

An unusually glorious early October day, a happy girl, and beautiful scenery. Money can't buy this.

Belonging in the Countryside

2011-10-11T07:47:00.036+01:00

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Money Matters

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how finances affect their parenting choices. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I grew up with lots of space. My father was a tenant farmer in a small farming community in North West England. He was an alcoholic and, when I was in my final year of primary school, he ended up losing the farm business shortly after breaking his back in a drink-related farm accident. When I was 15 my mother, two big brothers, and I moved to the nearby town due to the farmhouse lease expiring. The house was a sweet, but tiny cottage with a postage-stamp sized garden. Since moving out I have longed for that countryside space again, it was an incredible setting to be brought up in.

Playing leapfrog with family and friends

My fiancé is a high school teacher and we can just about afford for me not to work, but interestingly we can't actually afford for me to work. I've gained a university degree but a graduate starting salary wouldn't cover the childcare costs that we would have, so I've had the decision of whether or not to work taken away from me. But I'm happy, I actually didn't want to work yet. I'm very lucky to be able to be with my babies every day, and this way I can find the time to teach them all about our little world.

We live in a semi-detached Victorian house with beautiful, big windows which incidentally let out a lot of heat. In fact, the whole house haemorrhages heat. The long back garden was the selling point (well, "selling" is misleading there: we rent) as it has plenty of space to grow vegetables, a mini greenhouse, a large washing line which is handy for the endless washing associated with young children, and the cloth nappies (because apparently I enjoy making work for myself...), and the best part has to be the gate at the end of the garden leading out onto playing fields, which gives me a "freedom fix". The girls seem to get this too, as they queue up at the gate and as soon as I open it they just run like the wind.

Imogen on the farm track

Despite all this, I would still like to be able to live a lower-impact life. I would like to be more earth-friendly but money constraints put a stop to this. If money was no object, my dream would be to move back to the countryside and build a timber-framed, well insulated eco-house. It would have a ground source heat pump or similar, along with a multi-fuel stove for heating, so that I'm not tied into shelling out hundreds of pounds to the oil companies each winter in order to keep my family luke-warm (this really is a bitterly cold house). I would love to keep some livestock and show my children how to raise and care for animals. We already plant and care for vegetables together, but I would want a root cellar to store them correctly, and a pantry for supplies. There is just not enough space here. The thing about switching across to natural approaches is that I seem to have to have to fork out on the initial outlay - cloth nappies, supplies for making home-made house cleaning products, antibacterial sprays, pots and tools for growing my own vegetables... Even though starting afresh with natural products will save money in the long run, it's far too easy to just be sucked in by the supermarket prices. Still, I want to show my children where food comes from and how it is made, by doing it ourselves.

But back to reality.

As it is, I will have to work in a couple of years otherwise we will never be able to afford any home of our own, let alone one that lets me carry out this dream. This brings up worries, among which are "Who would bring the girls to school and who would collect them?" "Where would we find the time to keep the house in order and to cook good food daily?" "Would I have enough time for my girls whilst also keeping myself sane?" But I've pushed these aside for now and am trying to live in the moment.

Living on a budget means we have to share a car, so on weekdays I don't have access to it. Although I grumble, I've found this to be a good thing (please remind me of this when the weather is horrendous). Eighteen months ago I invested in a bike and double bike trailer, and this is how I bring my eldest to pre-school in the morning as both girls can fit in the trailer. Doing without a car midweek means I am "forced" into walks with my girls, we can take our time... and this Autumn we have been enjoying walking through the playing field, kicking and scrunching the falling leaves instead of piling into the car and worrying about having to wake up sleeping children, or where to park when we get there.

We don't have Sky or cable, just regular television. We prefer to be able to buy good food than have the assorted TV channels. And aside from our mobile phones, we don't have any mp3 music players, or any other gadgets and gizmos. As much as I might like them and might buy some extras if we had the money, we don't need them. Instead, we ensure we buy the girls clothes for all weathers, so we can always enjoy being outside no matter how cold it is (to a point...). We go to the beach all year round and splash in the sea, only in the winter they'll be head-to-toe in waterproofs with thick layers underneath (and spares in my bag, my eldest fell over paddling last November!) and in the summer they have aqua shoes so they can run along stony lake shores and splash to their hearts' content. I think it's more important to foster a love for the outdoors in this way than to have the latest gadgets.

In a way, I think our money constraints were what actually led me to be a more natural parent, as finding ways to save more money long-term seem to have resulted in me finding more "green" options. I'd love to take it all a step further, but for now I'm content with the way our outdoorsy children are being raised.

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon October 11 with all the carnival links.)

Money Matter$ — Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy shares her experiences on several ways to save money as a parent.
A different kind of life... — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares her utopian life and how it differs from her current one!
Show Me The Money! — Arpita of Up, Down & Natural shares her experience of planning for parenting costs while also balancing the financial aspect of infertility treatments.
Material v Spiritual Wealth - Living a Very Frugal Life with Kids — Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares her family's realizations about the differences between material and spiritual wealth.
If I Had a Money Tree — Sheila at A Gift Universe lists the things she would buy for her children if money were no object.
Financial Sacrifices, Budgets, and the Single Income Family — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at the importance of living within your means, the basics of crafting a budget, and the "real cost" of working outside of the home.
Overcoming My Fear of All Things Financial — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares how she is currently overcoming her fear of money and trying to rectify her ignorance of all things financial.
Confessions of a Cheapskate — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that her cheapskate tendencies that were present pre-motherhood only compounded post-baby.
Money Matters — Witch Mom hates money; here's why.
Money? What Money?! — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts describes how decisions she's made have resulted in little income, yet a green lifestyle for her and her family.
What matters. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life might worry about spending too much money on the grocery budget, but she will not sacrifice quality to save a dollar.
Making Ends Meet — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares about being a working mom and natural parent.
Poor People, Wealthy Ways — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses how existing on very little money allows her to set an example of how to live conscientiously and with love.
The Green Stuff — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares how natural parenting has bettered her budget - and her perspective on creating and mothering.
Jemma's Money — Take a sneak peek at That Mama Gretchen's monthly budget and how Jemma fits into it.
5 Tips for How to Save Time and Money by Eating Healthier — Family meal prep can be expensive and time-consuming without a plan! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares five easy tips for how to make your cooking life (and budget) easier.
Belonging in the Countryside — Lack of money led Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales towards natural parenting, but it also hinders her from realizing her dream.
Total Disclosure and Total Reform — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl gets down to the nitty gritty of her money problems with hopes that you all can help her get her budget under control.
Save Money by Using What You Have — Gaby at Tmuffin is only good with money because she's lazy, has trouble throwing things away, and is indecisive. Here are some money-saving tips that helped her manage to quit her job and save enough money to become a WAHM.
Two Hippos & Ten Euros: A Lesson in Budgeting — MudpieMama shares all about how her boys managed a tight budget at a recent zoo outing.
ABBA said it — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen ponders where her family has come from, where they are now and her hopes for her children's financial future.
Money vs. Time — Momma Jorje writes about cutting back on junk, bills, and then ultimately on income as well ~ to gain something of greater value: Time.
An Unexpected Cost of Parenting — Moorea at MamaLady shares how medical crises changed how she feels about planning for parenthood.
5 Ways This Stay at Home Mom Saves Money — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares 5 self-imposed guidelines that help her spend as little money as possible.
Frugal Parenting — Lisa at My World Edenwild shares 8 ways she saves money and enriches her family's lives at the same time.
Conscious Cash Conscious — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares her 5 money-conscious considerations that balance her family’s joy with their eco-friendly ideals.
Money, Sex and Having it All — Patti at Jazzy Mama explains how she's willing to give up one thing to get another. (And just for fun, she pretends to give advice on how to build capital in the bedroom.)
Money could buy me ... a clone? — With no local family to help out, Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wants childcare so she can take care of her health.
Spending Intentionally — CatholicMommy loves to budget! Join her to learn what to buy, what not to buy, and, most importantly, where to buy.
New lessons from an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a follow-up guest post from Sam about the latest lessons their four-year-old's learned from having his own spending money.
How to Homeschool without Spending a Fortune — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares tips and links to many resources for saving money while homeschooling from preschool through high school.
It's Not a Baby Crisis. It's Not Even a Professional Crisis. — Why paid maternity leave, you may ask? Rachael at The Variegated Life has some answers.
"Making" Money — Do you like to do-it-yourself? Amy at Anktangle uses her crafty skills to save her family money and live a little greener.
Money On My Mind — Luschka at Diary of a First Child has been thinking about money and her relationship with it, specifically how it impacts on her parenting, her parenting choices, and ultimately her lifestyle.
Spending, Saving, and Finding a Balance — Melissa at The New Mommy Files discusses the various choices she and her family have made that affect their finances, and finds it all to be worth it in the end.
Accounting for Taste — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life shares their budget and talks about how they decided food is the most important item to budget for.
Money Matters... But Not Too Much — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting shares how her family approaches money without putting too much of a focus onto it.
Parenting While Owning a Home Business — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Lauren at Hobo Mama lays out the pros and cons of balancing parenting with working from home.
Crunchy Living is SO Expensive...Or Is It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about her biggest objection to natural living - and her surprise at what she learned.
Mo' Money, Mo' Problems — Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how a financial accountability partner changed her family's finances.
The Importance of Food Planning — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro discusses how food budgeting and planning has helped her, even if she doesn't always do it.
Kids & Money: Starting an Allowance for Preschoolers — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses her family's approach and experiences with starting an allowance for preschoolers.

Fun With Our Phones Monday: Outdoors Fun and Muddy puddles

2011-10-10T13:35:00.000+01:00

The girls have been busy in the garden

As have I (Elise keeps picking them all off, so I've had to create a chair barricade)

Elise runs away from the dog with her loot, spoon in hand at the ready!
(Do you think she's noticed there's no dog food left)

And she decides on a new, better view of the world

My cousin's older girl turned 8, so she made yet another amazing cake

We spent a whole afternoon on the field, rolling around

Elise fell asleep eating lunch (again)

And Imogen found a rather large puddle. I blame Peppa Pig!

I've linked up with Savannah and Erin for...